Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, was a guest at the panel titled “Family and Youth” organized by İstanbul Sabahattin Zaim University. Tarhan made noteworthy statements on family structure and ideal relationships from past to present, stating that marriage is a journey and spouses should complement each other on this journey. Tarhan described the concept of family as one of humanity's most important discoveries.
The panel held at İstanbul Sabahattin Zaim University attracted significant interest from participants.
Family: One of the Most Important Discoveries Made by Humans…
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, emphasized the importance of the family concept. In the program, which attracted great interest from students and academics, Tarhan said; “Mating is biological, but marriage is cultural. Therefore, the concept of family is one of humanity's most important discoveries. Two concepts: family and state. These are two sets of rules that keep a society standing. When they are shaken, chaos emerges. When the rule-based system in the state breaks down, justice is corrupted, the state's structure is corrupted, and anarchy emerges. The same applies to the family. It is a system of rules created by humans. Genetically, there is a biological dimension to the coming together of just a man and a woman. This constitutes 30% of the family concept. 30% is biological, and 70% comes culturally over the years through social learning. We learn all human values later. Cultural rights emerge, not genetic ones. The first place that teaches these is the home, family, nest. In a situation where this does not exist, the concept of family disappears, and decades later, society becomes filled with wild children and wild people.” he stated.
“Humans are born psychologically premature”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that humans are born neuro-psychologically premature; “When a human child is born, they are neuro-psychologically premature. A duck walks as soon as it hatches from the egg. Think of a calf, it wobbles but walks immediately. But humans can stand on their feet only after one year. They can distinguish between good and bad at 15. This means humans come to this world to perfect themselves and develop themselves by learning later. Others come ready to this world. Humans are born psychologically premature. This means humans learn many things in this world. The effect of learning on the brain, after neuroscience developed, was understood to be that we used to say 5-6 years. Now we say 3 years. The information learned between 0-3 years is more than 50% of all information learned throughout life.” he explained.
“The future of the family is under serious threat”
Tarhan said, “A child growing up without love becomes wild. If there is no mother or a person replacing the mother, the child grows up with serious traumas. The family environment was realized for this reason. Popular capitalist ethics, seeing the family and the increase in world population as a threat, made weakening the family and global capital a strategic goal against this. In this regard, children born out of wedlock in Northern Europe are between 50% and 56%. 56% in England. 59% in France. And 69% in Iceland. These are children born out of wedlock. If this continues, in 20 years, Turkey will be like Sweden-Norway. In other words, it must be said that the future of the family is under serious threat.”
“Life scenarios should be rewritten according to new actors”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that children use the information they learn from their experiences in later life; “They learn from life events experienced during childhood. They take childhood life scenarios into later ages, and with those learned life scenarios, they create their life standards. Let's say someone grew up in a very healthy family. There's a mother, father, elder brothers, siblings. They grew up there. When they get married, they are with another family. After being together, new actors enter their lives. Mother-in-law, father-in-law arrive. They need to rewrite that life scenario according to these new actors. For example, stubborn people don't rewrite it. They say, 'My mother was like this, you are not like this.' 'You don't act like my mother.' Or, 'My father was like that, you are not like that.' They want a spouse like their own father. Or they want to change their spouse to be like their own mother. This leads to trying to change their spouse. Ego wars emerge. The fight goes on and on, saying, 'What I said,' 'What you said,' 'I'm right,' 'You're right,' 'My mother is your mother.' 'My money is your money.' ” he explained.
“Western depiction distorts pure minds”
Tarhan emphasized that parents should spend more time with their children during this period; “Western depictions distort pure minds. It's like putting barley or watermelon rinds in a donkey's mind. It puts all kinds of evil into the minds of innocent children or Anatolian people who don't know these things. Especially the programs with high ratings. Because they get ratings and advertisements, there is a tremendous pollution created by capitalist ethics. This is such an environment, but the solution is for everyone to protect their own family, their own child. If parents used to spend half an hour with their child, now they will spend an hour. They will spend more time. Also, the method used should be persuasion, conviction, and making them love it. Instead of pressure, threat, shame, prohibition, sin, we will use persuasion, conviction, and making them love it. Most of our truths from traditions are actually for the short-term, medium-term, and long-term benefit of humans. Going the way of persuasion and conviction is a difficult method, but it needs to be explained with its justifications.” he said.
“Marriage is embarking on a journey”
Tarhan, stating that marriage is a journey and spouses complement each other on this journey; “In our culture, marriage is called 'refik' and 'refika'. 'Refik' means male travel companion, and 'refika' means female travel companion. So, in our culture, marriage is about a man and a woman being travel companions. Travel companions complete each other's deficiencies. They consider their goal and meet at least in a common area when going home. They meet at an area we call the golden mean. There is also a unity of purpose in the future. In an ideal marriage, looking in the same direction is important. The relationship between husband and wife is about journeying together. It is embarking on a journey together. If you were on a ship in the middle of a marriage, crossing the ocean, would you say, 'I'm bored, I'm quitting'? Can a surgeon say, 'I'm bored, I'm quitting' in the middle of an operation? They cannot. Marriage is the same way…” he said.
“The act of self-actualization is not favored by the capitalist system”
Tarhan, stating that a person becomes happy as they make others happy; “There is Maslow's Psychosocial Needs Pyramid. At its base are physiological needs such as eating, drinking, reproducing, and sheltering. After that comes the need for security: trusting, loving, being loved, being respected, showing respect. At the top is self-actualization. Not self-actualization, but self-transcendence. A person becomes happy if they fulfill their need for self-transcendence. The act of self-actualization is not favored by the capitalist system. Therefore, the capitalist system ignores it. Unfortunately, because we have a capitalist education system, we continue the same thing. Here, self-transcendence means doing things for one's family, for the society one lives in, for humanity, for one's country, for the universe, and for the creator. One needs to transcend oneself. A person becomes happy when they transcend themselves. They do not become happy when they make themselves happy. When they make others happy, both they and others become happy.” he stated.
‘Love + Cooperation = Lifelong Love’
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan reminded that equality in marriage is very important when forming a family; “It's not enough for people to love each other. Modern life usually asks young people why they marry. Now, love is not the cause but the result in marriage. If there is love in marriage, ‘Love + Cooperation = Lifelong Love’ emerges. When good cooperation cannot be established, love evaporates. Good cooperation is needed for love to be sustainable. And for good cooperation, an open, transparent, and honest relationship is required. There is a 5S rule in marriage. The first is 'Sevgi' (love). There is something greater than love, which is 'şefkat' (compassion). One is love. The second is 'saygı' (respect). There is also something a little greater than respect, which is 'nezaket' (courtesy). One can show respect out of fear, but courtesy is not out of fear. Courtesy is showing respect because one does not want to hurt the other party. The third is 'sabır' (patience). This is found very little in young people today. Hastiness and impatience are among the biggest enemies of marriage. Patience is not just withdrawing and waiting, or saying 'Oh, patience.' Patience is a meditative action. That is, active patience, patience in motion. It is adapting to the speed and rhythm of nature. The fourth is 'sadakat' (loyalty). Loyalty has two meanings. First, being loyal, being committed. Second, 'sıdk,' a fundamental truthfulness. That is, husband and wife will not lie even in jest. An open, transparent, and honest relationship is needed. The fifth is 'samimiyet' (sincerity). A field called the neuroscience of intention has emerged. The brain's working system for intended behaviors is different from unintended behaviors. Mirror neurons work in intended behaviors. They affect the other party.” he explained.
“If there is a solid belief system, a person finds peace”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, stating that people with a solid belief system are peaceful; “There are things a person can control and things they cannot. There are things within their power and things beyond their power. When one believes in a higher power, a higher will, they feel relieved. When one is part of a greater meaning, they feel peaceful. Let's say you're on a plane. If you suspect the pilot is drunk or asleep, you become suspicious, you can't sleep in the back. You have to trust the captain. Humans need a mental refuge in life. They have a mental refuge to trust. These are people's belief systems. If there is a solid belief system, a person finds peace. They find the peace that submission gives, the peace that reliance on divine providence gives. So, being part of a meaning is currently a part of mental health. We can say it's a part of a person being at peace with themselves.” he said.
“Young people should have important ideals in their lives”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan gave advice to young people. Tarhan said; “Love the job you do or do the job you love. If you have to do that job, focus on how to love it. If so, you will already experience a flow state in the work you do with passion and enthusiasm. Young people should have important ideals in their lives. They should aspire to challenges. They should not fall into despair or pessimism. They should not pay attention to negative speakers. If you marry knowing what marriage is, do not fear marriage at all. People may experience difficulties; these difficulties enhance the quality of marriage. That's why we call the life events experienced, the trauma that develops with traumas. A storm is experienced in marriage, and after that, they get to know each other better and progress by learning things from each other. The same happens in social life. Therefore, if you focus on the threat dimension of traumatic events, shock experiences, and difficulties, you cannot develop. You will constantly change your path, but if you look at the opportunity dimension, you can develop yourself.” he stated.
At the end of the program, Prof. Dr. Tarhan signed his books for the participants.
Subsequently, a gift was presented to Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan.
The organized panel concluded with a group photo session.