The Antidote to Narcissism: ‘Humility’

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, met with Sakarya residents within the scope of the Türkiye Culture Route Festival, organized by the Ministry of Culture and Tourism. In the interview titled “Unlimited Conversations with Züleyha,” Tarhan drew attention to the differences between self-confidence and narcissism and evaluated the effects of technology on an individual's self-perception, mental health, and family relationships. Tarhan emphasized that the remedy for narcissism is humility, and the main cause of narcissism is a lack of empathy, noting that empathetic people are modest and humble.  

The program was held with Züleyha Ortak Dağ as moderator at the Sakarya Adapazarı Cultural Center.

“Self-confidence is the power to confront one’s weaknesses”

Stating that self-confidence and self-admiration are often confused, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan drew attention to the fundamental differences between the two concepts. Tarhan said: “It is necessary not to confuse self-confidence with self-admiration. Self-confidence is seeing one's own strengths and weaknesses and yet being at peace with oneself. Self-admiration, on the other hand, is acting by ignoring one's negative aspects and focusing only on the positive ones. Its medical equivalent is narcissism. Self-confidence is the power to confront one's weaknesses. Because no one is perfect; all of us have weaknesses. Being able to face them and accept living with them is self-confidence. This is also true freedom. A self-confident person is also one who has a sense of autonomy. The freedom here is not acting as one pleases or the understanding of 'tear down walls, break chains'. True freedom is being free from one's desires and impulses, being able to manage impulses that would lead one astray and cause mistakes. In other words, a person who can be their own leader is a self-confident person.”

“We gained speed but lost direction”

Stating that technological advancements accelerate human life while weakening an individual's ability to know themselves, Tarhan said: “Technology brings speed to our lives, but human values give direction to our lives. We gained speed but lost direction; our compass went astray. When the compass of values goes astray, a person's self-perception is also affected. Self-confident individuals have a healthy self-perception. They neither see themselves as inferior nor superior to what they are; they are at peace with themselves. If a person perceives themselves as already possessing their ideal self, this is self-admiration. If they feel themselves to be more worthless than they are, this is low self-confidence. This situation is especially seen in depressive individuals. Personality structures emerge that constantly blame themselves, feel worthless, and try to find happiness by giving to others. Technology's acceleration of life has weakened our ability for deep thinking. However, for a person to be self-confident, they need to be able to analyze themselves and their environment, and make decisions and develop attitudes accordingly. Due to fast-paced living, people look at events more superficially. The increase in people who do not embark on their own inner journey of discovery also leads to a proliferation of psychological problems.”

“There is serious social isolation among young people”

Addressing the effects of digitalization, especially on children and young people, Tarhan stated: “In a study conducted on 50,000 people in 2018, 40% of those who said ‘I am very lonely’ were in the 16-24 age group, while 27% were individuals over 75 years old. There is serious social isolation among young people, and one of its most important causes is digitalization. Children have reduced their contact with nature and their relationships with each other, interacting only with technology. Northern European countries have completely banned screen use for children aged 0-3. Because research has shown that screen exposure during this period negatively affects brain development and the development of the myelin sheath, which provides connection between nerve cells. These prohibitions were introduced when the level of evidence increased. In Turkey, a regulation regarding the 15-year age limit was made last month. England applies an 18-year age limit, while Australia applies a 16-year age limit. Although late, this regulation is a positive step.”

“Narcissistic tendency exists in all of us”

Stating that narcissistic tendency and narcissistic personality disorder are different concepts, Tarhan explained the role of love investment in healthy development. Tarhan said: “It is necessary to distinguish between narcissistic tendency and narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic tendency exists in all of us. Children are also the most narcissistic beings. When a child is born, they invest their love in their own ego. The first emotion they feel is fear, and when afraid, they take refuge with their mother, finding comfort in her scent. Initially, they say ‘My mother and I,’ and do not care about others. Over time, they direct their love investment towards their siblings, toys, friends, school, social environment, country, humanity, and finally, the Creator. As the love investment expands, the person learns to manage their narcissistic investment. What is important in narcissism is where a person invests their love. If money, possessions, fame, position, and power are constantly discussed in a home, these are the objects of love in that home; and these become the values considered sacred.”

“What is harmful is uncontrollable stress”

Stating that human existential anxieties can lead to serious psychological consequences if not managed correctly, Tarhan said: “Yalom has four fundamental anxieties: the search for meaning, the search for freedom, the need to overcome loneliness, and the need to explain death. If a person cannot assign proper meaning to these fundamental needs and provide healthy explanations for them, they experience an existential crisis. Anxieties about the future increase. Sometimes they turn to substances or entertainment and try to numb themselves in this way. However, when faced with a serious illness, their entire balance is disrupted. When the brain secretes stress hormones, the immune system is suppressed. Since chronic stress weakens the immune system, atypical cells that are kept under control in the body may begin to multiply. In the past, this was called 'the delicate disease'; today, it can appear as cancer. Increased cortisol along with sadness suppresses the immune system and paves the way for the progression of controlled diseases. Therefore, what is harmful is not stress itself, but uncontrollable stress. Humans should use their judgment and reason to distinguish between what they can and cannot change and what is within their power.”

The Remedy for Narcissism: Humility

Emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries in communication with individuals exhibiting narcissistic traits, Tarhan stated that humility is the most powerful antidote to narcissism.

“When interacting with a narcissistic person, setting boundaries is important. Narcissistic individuals often want their help to be seen, even when assisting. Some people realize they or their spouse have narcissistic traits and express a desire to change this. This is a very valuable step; if the person is aware, a significant part of the change has already taken place. We advise such individuals to help in secret. Even if they feel the urge to announce it to everyone, when they perform their help secretly, they experience its true happiness. Our civilization is a civilization of compassion rather than one of love. Because within compassion lies the feeling of not hurting the other party. We have lost this. The remedy for narcissism is humility. Being humble is not seeing oneself as worthless or being a doormat; it is being able to maintain balance without feeling superior or inferior to others. The main cause of narcissism is a lack of empathy. An empathetic person is not boastful and is humble.”

“Eating together strengthens communication”

Emphasizing that eating meals together within the family is a psychologically important protective factor, Tarhan stated that phone usage at the dinner table should be restricted.

“Artificial intelligence and digitalization have greatly affected social life. Today, everyone has a phone at the dinner table. However, eating together at the same table as a family is very beneficial because it increases dopamine secretion in the brain. In fact, in the stress scales we use, there is a question: ‘How many days a week do you eat a hot meal together as a family?’ If this number is more than five days a week, the stress level at home is lower. As the number decreases, the risk increases; when it falls below two days a week, the likelihood of a crisis within the family increases. Because eating together strengthens communication, allows for horizontal relationships within the family, and enables problems to be solved before they escalate. For this reason, we recommend setting aside an empty plate when sitting at the table and placing phones there. It may seem difficult at first, but everyone gets used to it.”