Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed the topic of “Marital Maturity" in his Hürriyet Aile column this week.
To make marriage a safe haven, interest, effort, and investment are required. Marital maturity is of great importance for the peace and healthy continuation of the family, which is the cornerstone of society… Marital maturity emerges when couples are compatible in areas such as the psychological (emotional) dimension, economic dimension, social (societal) dimension, and sexual (biological) dimension. Individuals with marital maturity can overcome problems. To ensure marriage becomes a haven, both parties need to invest in the marriage, show interest, make an effort, and dedicate time.
Are marital competence and marital maturity the same thing? No… For marital competence, it seems sufficient for couples to be of appropriate age and for both parties to want each other. This is sufficient for marriage. Marital maturity, on the other hand, means that the individuals getting married will build a new family. In other words, two people will build a new social unit. Since this is a construction activity, a certain level of maturity is required. Beyond competence, expertise and maturity are needed.
For all these reasons, marital maturity scales have been developed. These scales can provide an insight into marital maturity, with sub-dimensions such as psychological (emotional) dimension, economic dimension, social (societal) dimension, and sexual (biological) dimension. Compatibility in this area is very important. Marital maturity emerges when couples are compatible in these dimensions.
High divorce rates in the first 5 years…
The institution of marriage is no less important than getting a driver's license and driving a car. A driver's license is required to drive a car, and the same should apply to marriage. Random marriages lacking marital maturity largely do not work out. Globally, especially in developed countries, the divorce rate in the first 5 years is over 50%, while in Turkey, this rate is 39%.
Commitment in marriage creates a safe space
Individuals with marital maturity can overcome problems. There are three periods in marriage. The first period is the period of romanticism. This is a honeymoon-like period where the parties do not see each other's flaws. The period of romanticism usually lasts from a few months to two years. After that, when the realities of life emerge, power struggles and personality conflicts begin. If the parties have aged or produce smart solutions during this period, they transition to the period of maturity, which is the period of commitment. Commitment forms in marriage. Then, marriage becomes a safe space. Marriage becomes a haven.
Investment in marriage is necessary
To ensure marriage becomes a haven, it is necessary to invest in marriage and build it. It doesn't happen just by two people coming together and saying, "I'm building." Serious interest is needed; both individuals must make an effort and dedicate time. They must overcome obstacles that arise. To be able to do all this, people must certainly act in a planned manner regarding it.
A marriage without storms is not possible…
Stormy periods are inevitable in marriages. Expecting a marriage without storms would be nice, but it's not possible. Marriage is like a ship leaving port and setting sail towards its destination. There will be storms and various difficulties along the way. The person needs to know how to overcome those difficulties. If they learn and are prepared, they overcome them easily; otherwise, the problem escalates. This is similar to taking precautions against diseases. If a person pays attention to their hygiene and keeps their immune system strong, their body resists when encountering a microbe and doesn't get sick. In situations of minor jealousy or crisis, if the parties know how to cope and produce healthy solutions, the problem resolves itself without escalating, and thus two people try to learn about life. Someone without marital maturity will try to abandon the ship at the slightest snag. The expectation that everything will go smoothly in marriage is wrong; it must be known that problems will arise from time to time.
It is necessary to create harmony in marriage
In marriage, just like in life, there are expectations, but expectation management must be done correctly. Unrealistic expectations, meaning incorrect expectations, are a cause of crisis. Similarly, in marriage, there are expectations related to the spouse and life. Life is not what a person dreams of and wants to live, but what they encounter and experience. Life is not a concept that always goes as a person plans. Life is not a concept that a person can decide on alone. In marriage, there is no longer just one person, but two. A person will not see with two eyes, but with four eyes. They will not hear with two ears, but with four ears. Such harmony needs to be created. In marriage, couples must be able to remain 'I' while becoming 'we'.
Healthy children grow up in a healthy home
It should not be forgotten that healthy children will grow up in a home with healthy relationships and communication. Without a warm family environment in marriage, healthy children cannot be raised. Raising healthy, good, and morally upright children is the primary goal of the family. Moral values in a child develop through experiences. They develop through shared stories and shared life scenarios. The events a child experiences with their father and mother are sown like seeds into their developing soul, planted like life scenarios. Unconsciously, they shape their own behavior when making decisions in later life.
If the family is not healthy, decay begins in society
The cultural transmission that the family used to carry out in previous years is now being done by social media in the postmodern era. Our children will no longer be 'our' children; they will be the children of social media and popular culture. If precautions are not taken, many cultures may disappear in perhaps 50 years. We are seriously facing the possibility of losing our national identity. The body consists of billions of cells. Society also consists of millions of families. If a cell malfunctions, cancer develops. If the family is not healthy, decay begins in that society. Damage to the family actually means that society is bleeding. The family is the primary institution that teaches values.
The unity of mind and heart is important
In a healthy marriage, the unity of mind and heart is also very important. Embarking on a journey by car is not very different from embarking on a journey in marriage. Those who embark on a car journey do not let go of the steering wheel and look at each other. They have a destination, they look to the future, but they want to move together inside the car. Life and marriage are also such a journey. The mind is like the steering wheel of a car. There is also the car's engine. The engine provides power, and the steering wheel gives direction. If there is only an engine and the steering is bad, the car won't go. It will hit a wall. Or if the steering is good but there is no engine power, the car still won't move. So, these two complement each other, which is why mind and heart must be balanced in marriage.
The greatest need of marriage is dialogue
The greatest enemy of marriage is stubbornness. Stubbornness stems from selfishness. If a person always says "I know," they are egocentric. Their biggest characteristic is a lack of empathy. Such people cannot read and understand the other party's feelings and needs. Stubborn people cannot see from the other party's perspective; they have sanctified their egos. Therefore, stubbornness and selfishness are the enemies of marriage.