Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, was a speaker at the event organized by Istanbul Beykent University Psychology Club within the scope of “The Mind: Journey XII. Psychology Days”. At the online event, Tarhan, who gave a presentation titled “Our Childhood Connections from Past to Present,” stated that balancing childhood desires and needs has a significant impact on a child's developing character. Tarhan said; “One of the most common mistakes parents make when raising children is failing to apply the paradigm of children's desires, needs, and attitudes. A child raised in an environment without rules does not know where to stop. Children need to be taught the balance of freedom and responsibility. Otherwise, the child starts to defy their parents, enters a reversed role. They become prone to crime and can turn into a machine of lies and deceit.”
“A child establishes the feeling of love and attachment with their mother as soon as they are born”
Evaluating the importance of childhood, Tarhan spoke about children's desires and needs. Tarhan stated that the child's first object of love and attachment is their mother; “The science of psychology is something that enables a person to know themselves, develop, navigate in the right direction in life's journey, make correct decisions, and take correct steps. It is an investment in oneself, in one's profession, but first and foremost, an investment in oneself and humanity.” he said. Tarhan stated that he wanted to discuss the normal aspects of childhood within the framework of the topic “Our Childhood Connections from Past to Present,” saying, “What does a child want, what do they need, what do adults do and what should they do… Let's discuss this. A child wants, but what is their need? How should the child's behavior and adults' behavior be in response to this, what will an educator's behavior be? When analyzing human behavior, it is very important to analyze the childhood period. Those who do not know their past cannot plan their future. This is also true in sociology and history. Anyone who does not bid farewell to their past, who cannot resolve their past trauma, will always make wrong decisions about the future and experience identity confusion. This also applies to society. Therefore, it is very important to understand the childhood period. For example, a child, first and foremost, wants love, which is always said. Love is the psychological nourishment of a child, something that warms their heart. The first emotion a child feels as soon as they are born is fear. After feeling their mother, their crying stops. They feel their mother's pulse, scent, and warmth. Love and attachment emerge against that initial fear. The first object of love is the mother. Later, the object of love naturally changes as they grow; it becomes their father, siblings, family, society, humanity, the universe, and the creator.”
“If love is not given to a child between the ages of 0-3, they become traumatized”
Emphasizing the importance of the feeling of love in children during early childhood, Tarhan underlined that children who experience a lack of love between the ages of 0-3 may become traumatized and suffer from psychological disorders in later years.
Tarhan said; “If there is no loving, trusting relationship for a child between the ages of 0-3, the child becomes traumatized. Children experiencing maternal deprivation do not secrete growth hormone in their brains, even with good physical care, because they lack an object to trust and attach to over time. When this hormone is not secreted, sudden deaths occur, or the child frequently gets sick. They say give two or three times the amount of love to a child in this situation. In children who are given too much love, there is an insatiability for love; they expect it from everyone. After entering adolescence, a person needs to bid farewell to childhood and transition into adulthood. Bidding farewell to adolescence means facing the realities of life. When they cannot do this, they become insatiable for love because they expect two or three times the amount of love from everyone. You then see individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder or depressive and dependent personalities emerge. The child's basic psychological nourishment is love. Love is the most important nourishment for humans, but it is much more important for children. Especially because a child's brain has not yet developed abstract thinking, until the age of 5-6, they mistake attention for love. They think that someone who shows interest loves them. Therefore, children who do not understand privacy during childhood may become candidates for sexual abuse by mistaking attention for love. Respect means taking the child seriously. A child who is not taken seriously thinks they are not loved.”
“If there is a warm atmosphere at home, the child feels safe”
Drawing attention to the importance of a rule-based and loving family environment in a child's development, Tarhan spoke about the balance between love and discipline. Tarhan said; “Love and discipline are a balance. The home is like a school environment… A school environment must be rule-based. Life has rules. These rules help us determine which direction to go; we need road signs against uncertainty, the unknown, the need for security, and to alleviate fear. These are our personal boundaries, social rules, and social norms. Consistency is also important. Therefore, discipline should be like snowfall. If the snowfall is slow and continuous, it will accumulate. If a storm blows and disappears suddenly, it won't hold. That's why discipline and advice should be slow, continuous, firm, and consistent, like snowfall. A child also wants parental harmony at home. A child takes everything as an example at home. They take their mother, father, and their parents' relationship as examples. If there is a warm atmosphere at home, the child feels safe in that home. The home becomes a safe space. Future anxiety decreases; learning and initiative increase, and the child starts taking risks. If there is no harmony at home, if the tone of voice is constantly rising, if those who come home do so with fear, we cannot expect a child to grow up healthy in such an environment. Therefore, these are weak family and inconsistent family attitudes. Children raised in such environments seek happiness outside and become children prone to substance use. That's why some families ask, ‘What should we do to prevent our child from making mistakes?’ We say, ‘First, turn the home into a warm atmosphere.’ When the home is a warm atmosphere, those who come home feel safe.”
“Frontal brain development, meaning human characteristics, are learned during childhood”
Tarhan stated that frontal brain development occurs during childhood, describing individuals with undeveloped frontal brain functions as follows: “Family values have weakened considerably. Impatience and haste are higher, self-expression is higher, consumerism has increased, adherence to social norms has weakened, the difference between emotional intelligence and logical intelligence has grown. Emotional and social skills have regressed, and the sense of social responsibility has decreased. The sense of intrinsic responsibility has decreased, and all these actually indicate that childhood means educating our frontal brain. It is our frontal brain that enables a human to be human. From childhood, the human child is born prematurely into the world and matures in the world. Biologically, we are not born premature, but psychologically, we are. For example, a duckling swims as soon as it hatches from an egg, but a human baby stands at 1 year old and can only meet their own needs at 15 years old. We need to learn this as personality development, because we are social beings. Therefore, our frontal brain, the organ that makes us human – the left brain as the masculine brain, the right brain as the feminine brain, the frontal brain as the executive, guiding brain – developing this actually means developing our humanity. For a healthy transition from childhood to healthy adulthood, our childhood must be well-spent. Every person is an educator, parents are educators, managers are educators, but our first educator is our own self-education. One who cannot be a leader to oneself cannot be a leader to others. Being a team is very important because humans are relational beings, not created to live alone. This is why team relationships are important in human relationships, management, and within the family.”
“Love and discipline are an important balance”
Drawing attention to the importance of the balance between love and discipline in children, Tarhan touched upon the impact of the balance between a child's desires and needs on their character. Tarhan said; “The most common mistakes parents make in child development are failing to apply the paradigm of children's desires, needs, and attitudes. A child raised in an environment without rules doesn't know where to stop. The child has not been taught the balance of freedom and responsibility. In some cases, we frequently encounter oppressive attitudes, attitudes that give the child no opportunities, and as a result, we see children with low self-confidence and social phobia. The child's initiative and drive may not develop. In other words, love and discipline are a balance. If there is too much love and weak discipline, different outcomes can arise; if love is weak and discipline is too strong, different outcomes can arise. In a family environment where everything is allowed, or with loose or inconsistent discipline, the child cannot understand life and turns to substance use and crime. Conversely, if both love and discipline are excessive, the child becomes timid and has low self-confidence. When they enter adolescence, the child starts to defy their parents, entering a reversed role. If love is weak and discipline is too strong, the child becomes antisocial, prone to crime, and can turn into a machine of lies and deceit. For this reason, love and discipline are a balance.”