Experts draw attention to "silent marriages," where couples do not communicate with each other, spouses do not feel strong bonds towards each other, a sense of boredom and emotional loss are present, and relationships are maintained only due to external and internal pressures, warning that the existence of such silent marriages based on individual foundations in the micro-environment and their increasing number are now evolving into a macro-level problem area. Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler stated, "This evolution is spreading from one household to another like an infection. Losing the need to be 'us' and children starting to adapt to their new normals as 'single-parented' instead of growing up within a family brings serious deviations and social anomalies."
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Are silent marriages evolving into a societal problem?
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler, a faculty member at Üsküdar Üniversitesi Sociology Department, made evaluations regarding marriages where couples have no communication, no verbal or emotional connection, and their social impact.
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler stated that the family acts as a bridge between the individual and society in imparting cultural identity and values to new generations and transmitting social consciousness, and emphasized the importance of how much social consciousness is at the center of life for family members.
Couples' Relationships Are Also Affected by Change
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler stated that in the new world order, where individuals are increasingly becoming individualized, the reflections on society are also transforming. "We are losing some of our values. We know that our lives are pregnant with change, development, and transformation. Of course, family structures and couples' relationships also get their share from this change. It becomes inevitable for the feeling of love between a married couple to also undergo change. The desired change is for couples to be in a loving, mature relationship that grows and develops together, and this is only possible with mutual effort. As family bonds strengthen in the home spouses build together, and as feelings of togetherness are supported by an environment of trust and peace, the sharing of love and the value of their relationships also increase. The magic word here is 'sharing.' Preserving the magic of this word, however, is a difficult craft. Because sharing means partnership, whereas 'ego-centric' individuals, lost in a paradox that ends in individualism, have strayed from the necessities of the word sharing,' she said.
The Endeavor to Be 'Us' Has Entered a Trend of Exhaustion
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler noted that interaction between couples has also changed today. "In the interaction patterns of the past, women and men understood each other's place and position through sharing; for instance, in the presentation of self, women and men chose to highlight each other rather than themselves; in today's interaction patterns, women and men are solely striving to protect their own identities. In other words, we can say that the effort and initiative to be 'us' is gradually declining. As a result, the inability of 'you' and 'I' to merge and form 'us' comes to the forefront, and the effort to remain a family is also damaged. The scenes we play roles in our new practices are called 'silent marriage' or 'empty shell marriage,' she said.
Marriages Continuing Due to External and Internal Pressures Are Observed
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler noted that sometimes marriages are observed where spouses do not feel strong bonds towards each other, a sense of boredom and emotional loss are present, and relationships are maintained only due to external and internal pressures. "Marriages maintained for social acceptance, in other words, couples who prefer to remain married because their divorces would not be well-received by their close circles, who are alienated from each other and live 'as if married,' or rather, we are talking about separate individuals and individualized lives. If they have children, marriages maintained thinking that they would be harmed is another example. So, are these examples suitable to be models when we consider social norms? It is an inevitable reality for each of us to tend towards similar situations and draw inspiration from different experiences,' she said.
Silent Marriages Are Spreading From Household to Household
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler stated that the existence of such silent marriages based on individual foundations in our micro-environment and their increasing number are now evolving into a macro-level problem area. "This evolution is spreading from one household to another like an infection. Losing the need to be 'us' and children starting to adapt to their new normals as 'single-parented' instead of growing up within a family brings serious deviations and social anomalies. As we begin to lose norms that embrace society, it becomes harder to find positive reflections on society. The issue is not just about keeping two people who cannot agree together merely to preserve social norms. But if there is a disagreement, if communication within the family is hanging by a thread, it is necessary to use time correctly to resolve the crisis,' she said.
These Recommendations Should Be Heeded
Touching upon what can be done to combat this social problem, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler concluded her words as follows: "It is important for spouses to make time for each other, to be good friends with each other, to be willing to share their free time together, and to be willing and diligent in preserving their bond. If we consider that every individual has their unique story and perspective, it is important to try to accept our spouse, even if they are our life partner, with their own story, not to try to shape them, to empathize, to express our gratitude in our words and actions, and to be supportive. I left it for last, but the way to be 'us' passes through love, compassion, appreciation, and respect. I believe that as long as couples learn how to respect each other, consider each other's rights, listen to each other, and do not forget the shared nature of life, we will not normalize silent marriages."