What are the keys to approaching families in schools?

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated online in a seminar on "Family Communication" organized within the scope of the 2025 Family Year and Parent Academies Project, in cooperation with the Adalar District Directorate of National Education and Üsküdar University. Tarhan explained the key points of family communication and important considerations regarding parent-child relationships. Emphasizing that education is an ecosystem and that family education should not be left solely to parents, Tarhan stated that declaring 2025 the Year of the Family is very important.

“Focusing on the family is vitally important”

Emphasizing that education is an ecosystem, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan began his words by saying: “Declaring 2025 the Year of the Family was very important. Although late, it was a very appropriate move. The Ministry of National Education's focus on the family is a vitally important issue. We live in such a time now that the world has changed, our children have changed. Each of our children is a student. In that case, we cannot leave family education solely to the mother and father. Education is an ecosystem. In this ecosystem, the first circle consists of the mother, father, and children. The second circle is education and close friendships. In the third circle comes school life. As the circle expands, friends come with adolescence. As it expands further, work life, social life, and relationships with the opposite sex come to the forefront. All of these need to grow just like a sapling grows.”

“One-third of personality structure is innate, two-thirds are learned later”

Stating that two periods in human life are very important for brain development, Tarhan said: “Family holds an important place during these periods. One is between the ages of 0-3, and the other is between 12-15. The brains of young people and children are booming. It's like in spring when all the trees suddenly become green and flowers bloom within 2-3 weeks. The brain undergoes a tremendous synaptic explosion. Pathways in the brain develop rapidly, and the environment prunes this. Mother, father, teacher prune this. This also happens during adolescence. The person forms their own identity. Their own personality structure is formed. One-third of the personality structure comes from birth, two-thirds are learned later. Therefore, the family is an environment that touches the child's soul and develops it. It also provides an environment that develops their personality, behaviors, and how they will be in life.”

“If there is loose and inconsistent discipline, a healthy child doesn't grow”

Addressing the importance of learning social and emotional skills, Tarhan stated: “The child needs to learn social and emotional boundaries in life. Just as toilet training is necessary, so is the training of social and emotional skills. Research has identified 400 'yes' or 'no' words used while educating children. While raising children, 90% of parents say 'no,' and 10% say 'yes.' It is necessary to adjust this balance well. Actually, parents do this with good intentions to protect the child. In some families, the opposite happens. They never say 'no' to the child. They raise the child spoiled and without limits. When this happens, the child is mistaken for being hyperactive. This is a false hyperactivity. It is a discipline mistake. It is referred to as 'loose discipline' in the literature. If there is loose and inconsistent discipline, a healthy child does not grow up. When such a child grows up and enters adolescence, they already become the little ruler of the house. They become the leader of the house. When this happens, child-centered families increase.”

“Discipline and advice are like snowfall”

Highlighting the importance of parenting practices in child education, Tarhan said: “In this era, when raising children, mothers and fathers need to capture the language the child understands, not according to what they themselves learned. Parents who spend quality time with their child often develop themselves too. They grow together with the child. Previously, there were extended families; when young people made mistakes, grandmothers would intervene. There was leadership, wise grandmotherhood. Now, those are also gone. This time, the child grows up through trial and error in the family. If there is a measure for parenting styles, the child can be taught where to stop. If you squeeze too hard, it slips away like soap. If you leave it too loose, it also slips away. There should be a gentle discipline. Consistent discipline is important. Discipline and advice are like snowfall. If it is slow and continuous, it sticks. It's the same in education…”

Need to grant private space during adolescence…

Explaining the reasons for withdrawal during adolescence, Tarhan said: “A child who is depressed withdraws. Some children who are in love also withdraw. The behavior of obsessive love and addiction is the same. Someone in love thinks only about the object of their affection 59 minutes out of 60. They wonder, ‘What did they eat, what did they drink, what did they do?’ Adolescence is also the period of high school loves. Substance addiction also has the same effect on the brain because it affects the same region of the brain. In love and substance addiction, the same reward system in the brain is disrupted. When the reward system is disrupted, the person shuts themselves off from the rest of the world, closes their curtains, doesn't leave their room. If this lasts long, it is necessary to investigate the risk of suicide or the child's emotional obsessions and fixations. Or, in some cases, it is an educational mistake. Here, the parents are very interfering, very controlling. We call it the invading mother. We even used to call it the helicopter mom. Now we call it the drone mom. The child goes into the bathroom, and the mother knocks on the door asking, ‘What are you doing?’ Meaning, the dose of control is excessive. This is considered childhood trauma. Such children lock themselves in their rooms so no one can enter. Because when the child wasn't there, the mother searched all the drawers. Checked everything, went through their mobile phone. This child does not feel free. Whereas, during adolescence, it is necessary to grant private space. It is necessary to grant the right to make mistakes, as long as they are not major ones. When you don't do this, the child, being well-intentioned towards the parents and knowing they love them, withdraws into themselves to avoid hurting them. Therefore, if such a situation exists, instead of giving the child a lecture, it is necessary to talk about their interests.”

“Fellow travelers have a common goal”

Stating that children can grow up healthily even in single-parent families, Tarhan said: “Single-parent families are considered the most fragile households in terms of household fragility. Families with five members are healthy; single-parent families are more fragile. I have seen, and continue to see, many children who grew up with a single parent and grew up healthily. Therefore, one should not operate with the prejudice that a child growing up with a single parent will be unhealthy. There can be a mother who establishes a very beautiful relationship with the child. The child grows up healthy. Indeed, parents should establish a ‘fellowship of the road’/ ‘companion’ with the child. When we say ‘be friends with the child,’ we don't mean be overly familiar or casual. Be fellow travelers. Fellow travelers have a common goal. On the way to that goal, there is consultation and discussion. There is talking together and sharing together. If we can establish such a relationship, the child can grow up very well even with a single parent.”

“Children follow their parents' actions, not their words”

Stating that children model their parents' behaviors, Tarhan said; “Children follow their parents' actions, not their words. They model their state and behaviors. The more memories parents build with their child, the more the child grows up experiencing positive life events. This is also written as a script in the child's developing psyche. As the child grows, new actors enter these scripts. For example, when they enter adolescence, when they get married, other actors enter. If we raised a child with mental flexibility, they rewrite those childhood scripts. Because these scripts are living scripts. They need continuous renewal. If you say, 'I have a fixed template script learned from my parents in childhood, and I can't deviate from it,' you will break. You cannot be flexible. For example, a Teflon pan is not flexible; when forced, it breaks and goes into the trash, but rubber is flexible; it returns to its original state. This is a metaphor we use in psychological resilience.”

“Lifelong love emerges in such marriages”

Likening marriage to the combination of hydrogen and oxygen, Tarhan stated; “Before getting married, both parties should take the Marriage Maturity Scale. In this scale, there are 4-5 parameters related to whether the person is ready for marriage. For example, if a person says, 'I'll get married but also live however I please,' they cannot manage a marriage. Meaning, for a person to have marriage maturity, they need to possess marital fidelity. They need to know what the concept of marriage is. In fact, regarding this, I give the example of oxygen and water. Water is H2O. It is formed by the combination of hydrogen and oxygen. Hydrogen and oxygen circulate freely in the atmosphere. When the two come together, freedom disappears, but a life source is formed. Because it creates purpose. Meaning, a life-giving source is formed. Now, marriage is something like this. Meaning, both parties will marry, but after getting married, they will no longer look at life with two eyes and two ears. They will look with four eyes and four ears. If it happens like this, that marriage becomes a tremendous marriage. It becomes a wonderful marriage, and lifelong love emerges in such marriages. This marriage maturity is important. It's better for a person without marriage maturity not to marry because then greater problems arise. In this family year, if they made it mandatory for everyone to take this test before marriage, the family year would have achieved a tremendous accomplishment.”

“We need to manage it instead of banning it”

Stating that instead of opposing technology, its correct use should be taught, Tarhan said that technology itself is inherently neutral, and opposing and banning it would not be right. Tarhan stated, “Some families ban it. When the child first encounters technology, they lose control. We need to manage this instead of banning it. In fact, the mobile phone has gained such features compared to 5-10 years ago that it's just called a phone, but it's not just a phone anymore. The mobile phone has 64 functions. It has many functions, from videos to taking photos. This has now become like one of our limbs. Meaning, it has become like glasses, shoes, clothes. Therefore, instead of opposing it, it is necessary to teach how to use it appropriately. If we teach this to the child from a young age, they adapt easily. It is necessary to start this from a young age. Since a child before the age of 6 is dependent on and needs their parents, if the parents present a clear stance and use a common language, the child quickly recovers and improves.”

“We need to act according to the principle of equality within the family”

Stating that a horizontal coalition should be established in the family, Tarhan said; “Our child is first a human, then a boy or a girl. It is necessary to know that. First, they are human, a separate individual. Basic life teachings and skills are given equally to both. Topics related to sexual identity are learned specifically. For example, for children, their parents are their heroes. A girl child generally tends towards the father. A boy child is fonder of the mother. There is such a genetic tendency. In this relationship, the behavior of the girl or boy changes according to the attitude of the mother and father. If in the family the mother favors one child and the father favors another child, a vertical relationship occurs in the family. In a family with a vertical relationship, a vertical coalition forms. Whereas, there should be a horizontal coalition. Mother and father will develop a common language. Children will solve problems among themselves. If they cannot be resolved, they will come together. Therefore, if there is a vertical relationship within the family, if the mother favors one child and the father favors another, there will be no peace in that home. There might be silence, but with adolescence, children become hostile towards their parents. In some cases, both love and anger develop towards the parents. Therefore, we need to act according to the principle of equality within the family.”

This is how a peaceful family emerges…

Explaining the key formula for a happy family, Tarhan said; “Apply these 5 S's in the family, and a happy family will emerge. The first S is 'sevgi' (love), but there is a concept greater than love. Unconditional love, it's referred to as 'şefkat' (compassion). The second S is 'saygı' (respect). If love is water, respect is like its container. There is also a more developed form of respect, which is 'nezaket' (politeness/courtesy). The third S is 'sadakat' (loyalty/fidelity). Actually, these are also the foundations of marriage maturity. 'Sadakat' has two meanings. One is being loyal, meaning not betraying. The second comes from the word 'sıdk,' meaning truthfulness. There should be no lies in close relationships. If there are no lies within the family, trust develops. When trust is established, loyalty forms. Open, transparent relationships are the greatest need of a marriage. Accountability is important here. The fourth S is 'sabır' (patience). Since this era is an age of speed, haste and impatience are very common. Perhaps there has never been an era in human history where it was this common. Many problems also arise from this. The skill most used by successful people is the skill of patience. There are two types of patience. One is negative patience, the other is positive patience. Negative patience involves enduring bad moments and bad days. Positive patience, however, is the patience to delay gratification while pursuing a goal, focusing on the purpose and thinking about future great opportunities. This is active, goal-oriented patience. The fifth S is 'samimiyet' (sincerity). Within sincerity, there are two concepts. One is 'içtenlik' (genuineness/heartfeltness), the other is 'şükran' (gratitude). A sincere person is genuine. Sincere people can establish positive communication. These rules are family values. If you apply these, rest assured your home will become a tremendous haven of trust, a peaceful home. This is how a peaceful family emerges,” he concluded his words.

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)