There is no need for grand formulas for a happy marriage!
President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated in the 1st National Student Congress on Multidisciplinary Approaches to Human Health – Mental Health, organized by Sivas Cumhuriyet University. Attending the panel titled Psychology Behind the Door online, Tarhan delivered a speech on Healthy Marital Relationships and the Secrets of Long-Term Happiness. Emphasizing the increasing fragility of households in marriages, he pointed out that the primary cause of loneliness is the disintegration and decay of the family. Tarhan also highlighted that modernity promotes a competitive approach to marriage, harming the institution of the family. Tarhan noted that while pairing is biological, marriage is cultural.
“The biggest cause of loneliness is the disintegration and decay of the family”
Drawing attention to the increasing fragility of households in marriage, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that Marriage faces serious issues. Compared to the past, household fragility is increasing. According to global standards, single-person households are considered fragile, whereas five-person families are deemed healthy. Statistics in Turkey show a rise in household fragility, with a decline in five-person households. In Northern European countries, single-person households now make up 50% of all households. If shelters for women in distress were as common in Turkey as they are in those countries, there would be thousands. The issue is that while material wealth, prosperity, and gross national income are increasing globally, happiness levels are not rising at the same rate. Psychological and spiritual well-being are not improving. This is closely related to the deterioration of the family unit because humans are relational beings. The human brain is not programmed to live alone. When alone, individuals become extremely unhappy and depressed. Suicide rates are significantly higher among those who live alone, as studies on loneliness confirm. The Turkish Language Association conducted a word of the year contest, and the winning phrase was ‘crowded loneliness,’ receiving over a million votes across Turkey. This is not a common occurrence. We are a warm society, a culture where people drop by unannounced. But loneliness has become a major crisis. The United Nations warns of three major threats to the future: income inequality, climate change, and loneliness. And the greatest cause of this loneliness is the disintegration and decay of the family.”
A situation requiring serious awareness…
Discussing the rising rates of extramartial births, Tarhan stated that “The family crisis is deepening. This situation requires serious awareness, not just from society but also from policymakers. If we all become more conscious, the situation can improve because it is not irreversible. Despite everything, Turkey is in a much better position than the West. In Turkey, the rate of out-of-wedlock births is 2% (1 in 10 children). In contrast, that figure is 56% in Norway, 69% in Iceland, and over 50% across Europe, and 59% in France alone. Some countries have baby boxes where children are dropped off anonymously and raised without ever knowing their parents. In comparison, we are still in a better position. If we take serious action now, we can protect society and future generations over the next 20-30 years. That is why this issue must be treated as a national security matter. This year has been declared the ‘Year of the Family,’ but I hope it receives as much attention as space exploration or lunar missions. Otherwise, it will remain just words.”
“Those who take precautions will protect their families”
Emphasizing that modernity has harmed the institution of the family, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that “To ensure people’s happiness and prevent mental illnesses, we must preserve family values. Modernity has inflicted the greatest damage on the family, and continues to do so. In the U.S., there is a saying: ‘You do not invest in an institution with a 50% failure rate.’ With divorce rates exceeding 50%, people question, ‘Why get married at all?’ As a result, marriage is seen as a burden. This mindset may provide temporary relief, but in the medium and long term, it causes immense harm to both society and humanity. There is a hedonistic philosophy that prioritizes short-term comfort without considering what will happen in 10 or 20 years. Western philosophy, shaped by modernism, is a pleasure-centered philosophy. However, family plays a primary role in the secrets of happiness. Society and individuals are protected by certain norms.Legal norms are established through laws, that is, those who commit crimes are punished. Social norms are determined by traditions and cultural standards. These norms served as an outer shield protecting the family, but as cultural and social norms have deteriorated, social decay has emerged. Family was the third and final protective norm. This is why we refer to it as the last refuge.Today, social media and digital platforms have made the once-safe home environment insecure. We live in the communication age, which brings both opportunities and threats. Since negativity spreads faster, it has started to harm families at an alarming rate. Those who take precautions now will be the ones who protect their families.”
“Pairing is biological, but marriage is cultural”
Explaining that marriage can serve as a secure foundation when properly invested in, Tarhan stated that “Pairing is biological, but marriage is cultural. Pairing is a biological instinct found in all living beings, but marriage is a cultural construct, and it develops through social learning. There is no need for grand formulas to achieve a happy marriage. Young people today fear marriage. I always tell them: ‘Before marriage, keep your eyes wide open; after marriage, keep them half-closed.’ To ensure a quality marriage, young couples should take a marriage maturity assessment before tying the knot. Those who are not emotionally mature struggle to maintain a marriage. For instance, many men experience prolonged adolescence. They get married but continue to behave like teenagers, unaware of the balance between freedom and responsibility. A simple 20-question assessment can help determine marriage readiness. Young people should not fear marriage at all. Marriage is an investment and when you invest in it, it becomes a secure and fulfilling space.”
"Marriage is not about staring at each other, but looking toward a shared goal"
Emphasizing that modernity promotes a competitive approach to marriage, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that "Marriage is not just about short-term happiness; it is crucial for long-term happiness as well. However, modern teachings make us disregard long-term happiness. The popular mindset today tells us: ‘Live in the moment! Forget the past and the future, and just enjoy today! Break the chains, tear down the walls!’ However, this is not a realistic approach. This is why marriage maturity assessments are important. Those who take and evaluate this assessment are better prepared for marriage. There are key factors measured in this process. One of them is understanding that marriage is a life journey taken together. Marriage is not about staring at each other but looking toward a shared goal. It is about embarking on a journey together. However, the modern view of marriage encourages competition between men and women. In reality, marriage works through complementarity, not competition. There must be a common goal. In our culture, marriage is referred to as Refik and Refika, which Refik means 'male companion on a journey' and Refika means 'female companion on a journey.' This perspective defines marriage as a shared journey. In a marriage with a shared goal, smart partners make decisions based on what is best for the marriage, not based on personal dominance. They do not try to control or overpower their spouse. Instead, they adopt a balanced approach, neither oppressing nor allowing themselves to be oppressed. During conflicts or crises, they seek solutions rather than exerting power. These are not complex problem-solving methods, but rather essential principles of a healthy marriage."
"Love is not the cause of marriage, but it is the result"
Discussing the core values that sustain a family, Tarhan stated that "The first and foremost value is mutual love. However, love and passion are not the same. You do not need 100% love to marry; if there is 70–80% love, that is already wonderful and get married! If there is love and good teamwork, lifelong passion will develop over time. Love is not the cause of marriage; it is the result. This is why those who establish a strong partnership build happy marriages. Their relationship becomes high-quality and meaningful. There is something even deeper than love, that is, compassion. This is love that includes empathy. However, if compassion is excessive in marriage, it can suppress desire. This is why love operates on a broad spectrum. Generosity is another key factor in a successful marriage. Generous individuals, that is, both men and women build better marriages. The second fundamental value is respect. A higher level of respect includes empathy, which is called kindness. The third value is patience. Today, people lack patience. Everyone wants things immediately, which is fueled by capitalist systems that promote instant gratification. The fourth value is loyalty. Loyalty has two meanings: truthfulness, that is, honesty and integrity, and commitment, that is, emotional and relational attachment. A marriage without loyalty has no real meaning. If both partners are loyal, if there is no infidelity, open and honest communication, and transparency, then loyalty exists in that marriage. Finally, the fifth essential value is sincerity.”
There are no unhappy marriages, only couples who fail to be happy"
Emphasizing the dynamic balance of opposites in marriage, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that "People who are identical to each other cannot have a successful marriage. A dynamic balance of opposites must exist in a relationship, and this is called behavioral entropy. Just as a positive charge repels another positive charge but attracts a negative one, a similar principle applies in marriage. Expecting a marriage without problems is unrealistic. Challenges will always be present, and this is part of the balance. Just as cold is not a separate entity but merely the absence of heat, and darkness is not a force but the absence of light, there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage, but only a failure to achieve happiness. Once happiness is achieved, unhappiness naturally disappears."
"Marriage is a complementary relationship, not a competitive one"
Highlighting the necessity of investing in marriage, Tarhan explained that "If we desire peace and tranquility in marriage, we must invest in it. Children model their behavior based on three factors: their mother, their father, and the relationship between their parents. One of the biggest mistakes in family life is negative communication, such as ego battles, power struggles over money, and comparisons between families. Modernity teaches us this competitive mindset. However, marriage is a complementary relationship, not a competitive one. We fail to recognize the wealth of our own cultural values, whereas Western societies are beginning to appreciate them. Traditional family values are crucial. Our ancient values provide solutions to many problems, and we must rebuild them within our families. Thus, we need to launch family-oriented initiatives and projects. Everyone must take responsibility and contribute."
"Every trait in marriage must be in balance"
Discussing the importance of purpose in marriage, Tarhan warned that "Young people should avoid marrying those who are intelligent and wealthy but lazy. Such individuals lack purpose, and a marriage cannot be sustained without a sense of responsibility. These people often display selfish and narcissistic tendencies and refuse to put in the effort. Marriage is like setting out on a long journey. Both partners must be prepared for the challenges ahead. Think of marriage as a banquet table, that is, it has sweet, sour, bitter, and salty moments. However, there is also an intellectual balance tray in marriage. If one side is too heavy, the balance will be lost. Therefore, every aspect of marriage must be in equilibrium. If you marry someone with issues, you may try to resolve them together. If that fails, seek guidance from elders or family mediators. If the problem persists, professional help should be considered. However, be cautious because some marriage counselors act more like divorce coaches. One of the reasons divorce rates are rising worldwide is due to certain therapists promoting individualism over family. They tell people: 'You only live once; prioritize yourself. The family is secondary; the individual is what truly matters.' However, someone who idolizes individualism over commitment will struggle to build a lasting marriage.”
Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)