Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "Discipline with love is positive discipline"

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated in a talk titled “Positive Discipline in the Family,” organized in collaboration with Yüksel İlhan Alanyalı Science High School and Üsküdar University. In the online session, Tarhan emphasized that pressure, intimidation, and suppression methods are no longer valid in this era and that persuasion should be the preferred approach. Highlighting that discipline infused with love is positive discipline, he stressed the importance of balancing love and discipline. He also pointed out that a key aspect of positive leadership is the ability of parents to be fair and noted that children should be taught to see digital tools as a means rather than an end.

The talk was moderated by Hatice Ada, a psychologist and assistant at Üsküdar University’s Educational Institutions and Guidance Services.

"Regardless of the approach, issues with discipline arise"

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan explained that humans are born neurologically premature and stated that We first need to understand what we mean by discipline. Rules can be too strict, too loose, or too inconsistent. Regardless of the approach, issues with discipline arise. Humans are born neuropsychologically immature. A baby can stand at the age of one and distinguish between good and bad at fifteen. Compare this to a duckling that can swim as soon as it hatches or an animal that can stand and walk shortly after birth. Humans, however, are different. They are born mentally early and require guidance and teaching. That is why a child's first teacher is their mother. The period from 0 to 3 years is critical, as children learn their first life lessons during this time.”

"The values we taught 100 years ago still need to be taught today"

Explaining the difference between genetics and epigenetics, Tarhan said that “Genetics is inherited through our genes, such as gender, eye color, and physical traits. Epigenetics, on the other hand, relates to our character, personality, and morality. These traits are learned and can be modified through genetic polymorphism. If values continue to be taught, they become automatic and are sustained in our lives. If they are not, they disappear within one or two generations. The moral values, discipline, and ethics we taught a century ago still need to be passed on today. Morality is not genetic, and it must be taught. The same applies to discipline, which helps us define the boundaries of our behavior and determine how to act in different situations.”

"The world has become an electronic village"

Tarhan emphasized that pressure, intimidation, and suppression are no longer effective in this era and stated that “Children today are deeply immersed in social media. Since they do not learn social, moral, and disciplinary norms properly, they act on impulse, leading to inconsistent discipline and inappropriate behavior. When people think of discipline, they often associate it with military discipline. One based on pressure, threats, intimidation, and fear. However, can discipline be maintained through positive methods? Absolutely. There are three types of norms: moral, social, and legal. These norms are learned over time. Positive discipline approaches discipline through persuasion, conviction, and encouragement. Negative discipline, on the other hand, relies on fear. There are also two types of management: fear-based management, which is power-centered and was effective in ancient times, and communication-based management, which is necessary in today’s interconnected world.

The world has become an electronic village. In such a world, traditional methods of fear and intimidation no longer work. When children feel oppressed, they adopt an opposing stance, developing a counter-identity. If a mother tells her child to do ‘A,’ the child will deliberately choose ‘B.’ This leads to resentment and hatred towards parents. Therefore, it is crucial to establish a healthy balance between love and discipline. Discipline is essentially a set of rules and standards. However, having rules alone is not enough; they must be consistent, firm, and continuous. Positive discipline can be compared to snowfall; if snow falls steadily and continuously, it accumulates. Likewise, discipline should be steady, consistent, and ongoing.”

"Discipline with love is positive discipline"

Speaking about two types of discipline, Tarhan explained that “School exams are a child’s first real-life test. They are related to the concept of accountability. No one enjoys taking exams because, psychologically, humans dislike being held accountable. The egoistic side of human nature resists constraints. However, this discomfort can actually be beneficial. If a student learns to manage this stress well, they gain the ability to remain calm under pressure.

 

There are two types of discipline: internal discipline and external discipline. Internal discipline is driven by intrinsic motivation, like a steamship that moves on its own. External discipline, on the other hand, is like a sailing ship that constantly needs the wind to move. A person who cannot manage themselves will struggle to manage others. Emotional leadership in the classroom should be embodied by the teacher. Leadership through fear and threats is ineffective. Emotional leadership means that children love their parents and teachers so much that they follow discipline out of respect, not fear. If you achieve this, you have implemented positive discipline, that is, striking a balance between love and discipline. Discipline infused with love is positive discipline, while discipline driven by fear is negative discipline.”

"In exam stress, focus on the process, not the outcome"

Tarhan highlighted the importance of focusing on the process rather than the result and stated that “The meaning we attach to exams increases stress. If exams are perceived as a matter of life and death, anxiety levels rise. Exams are merely steps in life. Those who focus on results experience more stress, whereas those who focus on the process manage their anxiety better. Results are not always within our control; you may take an exam but not achieve your desired outcome. However, aspects like studying and practicing are within our control. By focusing on controllable factors, anxiety can be minimized. Instead of seeing exams as threats, we should view them as opportunities for personal growth. Thinking this way helps maintain a sense of hope and determination.”

"The best discipline is through example"

Tarhan emphasized that parents should serve as role models and stated that “Children do not follow what parents say; they follow what they do. The best discipline is conveyed through actions and behavior. Our ancestors emphasized education through example. Children observe their parents and their relationship. If parents serve as positive role models, children are influenced by this. Adolescence is a turbulent period, sometimes even described as a ‘normal schizophrenic phase’ in psychology. Teenagers question their identity and direction in life. The foundation for a smooth adolescence is laid during childhood. If the home environment is secure and structured, adolescence will be less problematic.”

"A home’s greatest product is its children"

Emphasizing the importance of a warm and secure family environment, Tarhan said that “If there is too much love but weak discipline, the child becomes spoiled. If there is too much discipline but little love, the child may become antisocial or even psychopathic. Inconsistent discipline leads to confusion. None of these approaches are ideal. Discipline must be consistent and continuous. Raising a child is as important as running a business. Parenting is a more critical role than being a businessperson. Parents should not just think about providing for the household but also about raising healthy, well-adjusted children. A home’s greatest product is its children.”

"Justice is the key to positive leadership in parenting"

Tarhan stressed the importance of fairness in parenting that “Positive communication, positive parenting, and positive leadership are essential within the family. The key to positive leadership is for parents to be just and fair. There must be justice in the distribution of love, rights, opportunities, and benefits among children. The new generation values innocence and justice greatly. If a family is honest and fair, children will adopt these values as their role models. The foundation of a safe and harmonious home is justice.”

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)