Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: 'To say that love does not put food on the table is ingratitude'

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan defined love as the invisible energy that connects beings in human relations and even in nature, and stated that ways to grow and increase the love repository should be sought. Emphasizing that the investment in love grows 2-3 times more and returns to the person, Tarhan noted that the expression that love does not put food on the table is also an ingratitude. Tarhan also conveyed that love has a language and forms of expression...

When we say love, we are actually describing an emotion. Love is not a concept by itself. It is a very complex and colorful concept. However, its color does not appear in it. Just like white light, it contains seven colors. For this reason, experts say that it is necessary to understand love correctly and analyze it correctly. President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan made evaluations about the place of love in our lives, its value and forms of expression.

Love and emotion are concepts that need to be expressed…

Stating that he observes verbal expression problems from time to time from human relations, Tarhan said that "People think that I love my wife, and I love my children, but they do not say this because they assume people automatically know that they love them. Not at all, actually. We have so many problems without verbal expression. For example, we see that parents who do not express their emotion make their children have the feeling that ‘My mother and father do not love me" and even they want to have a DNA test with the thought of ‘Am I adopted?’ There are cases that come with various delusions like this. For this reason, love and emotion are concepts that need to be expressed."

Compassion is a greater emotion than love

"There are two kinds of transmission in human relations: one is the transfer of information and the other is the transfer of emotions. In everyday relationships, the transfer of informatic information is described verbally at a rate of 20%. This is called verbal communication. Lexical language and colloquial language are verbal. 80% of our daily relationships are non-verbal. That is, it is non-verbal communication. This is the transfer of emotions. The basis of human relationships is 80% emotion transfer and 20% verbal transmission. Emotion transfer happens with our tone of voice, our accents, the words we choose, body language, our gestures and even micro-gestures on our face without being aware of the emotion. We transfer negative and positive emotions without realizing it. The most important of these positive emotions is love. There is a greater emotion than love. That is compassion because there is an unconditional love in it. At the same time, respect is the feeling that should be together with love. If love is like water, its vessel is respect. It sets its boundaries. However, there is a greater feeling than respect. It is kindness. You also try not to hurt the person you respect in kindness. For this reason, it is a very justified analogy to call love "the power that turns the universe around.".

Love is not just a field that only artists are interested in, it is a scientific field

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, who defines love as an invisible energy and an attraction force that connects living beings in human relations and even in nature, said that "It is necessary to analyze love. Love is not only a subject that poets, literature teachers and artists are interested in. It is also a scientific field. After the 1990s, people experienced a psychological revolution. In the revolution, areas of the brain that process emotions were discovered. The biochemical counterpart of every emotion, such as grudge, anger, hatred, jealousy, etc., was detected in the brain. When you stimulate the relevant region of the brain, that feeling awakens in the person. That is how that system in the brain works. In addition, the concept of love entered the scientific radar, and there were serious developments in emotion management. Now it is possible to reach information that can understand which region of the brain speaks to which region, and how it speaks to manage emotions.".

We are born with love, but society and environment make it fade out due to the suppression

“A person manages their own leadership if they manages their own brain well. In fact, we call this leadership 'Neuro-leadership'. For example, a mother and a father are the leaders of the household. In the workplace, everyone is a manager. Everyone is their own leader. Leadership is self-management. In this leadership, managing love is the most important resource management because love is a resource, just like money and like a human being. The general rule of resource management is to grow the pool. For example, the word economics in Turkish comes from the Arabic root maksat. You cannot manage your source if you do not know your purpose. You make your investments according to your purpose, you make your decisions accordingly and you move forward. You develop your goal accordingly. Therefore, love is resource management, and that is psychological resource. First you need to grow the pool. We say let's talk about love, but what would happen if a person who was poor in love knew the language of love? Just as one cannot help anyone who have not so much money, neither can one give love to someone who is poor in love. We will look at ways to increase our love for this reason. A person is born with love when they are born, but society and the environment make it fade out due the pressure.".

It is ungrateful to say that love does not put food on the table...

Tarhan said that "We do not know the value of emotion”, and continued his remarks as follows: "Emotion is like air and like water. How many minutes without air, how long can you live without water. Mankind does not know the value of air and water. We only understand when we are sick, and when a problem occurs. We experience love in our relationships, in our lives, without realizing it. Therefore, it is a kind of ingratitude to say that ‘Love does not put food on the table’ It is not appreciating what you have. Emotion investing is important for us to achieve many things. Even in capitalist thought, man calls human beings 'homo economicus'. In other words, man is an economic being, a rational actor and mind. A person makes profit and loss analysis and takes steps accordingly. Until the 2000s, it was said that 'Emotion is not the subject of economics'. In 2002, Daniel Kahneman, a psychologist, received the Behavioral Economics Award. After receiving the award, suggested that man is 'homo psychologicus' and not 'homo economicus'. When people invest, when they manage their resources, they invest not only in basic needs, but in what they love. When one shops, one invests in what they like to buy. Moreover, appreciation has more to do with it than profit-loss analysis. The rational actor, then, is not just the intellect, but the intellect in a limited way."

You respect a person whom you are afraid of, but you do not love them

Stating that human beings are psychological beings, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan noted that how love can exist within social culture and said that "It is important that people feel safe and what they like or dislike. That’s why, they divided the societies into high security and low security. Societies that are raised with high threats, pressure and fear become low-security societies. In high-security societies, on the other hand, trust prevails. Trust and love must be there for this. When there is love and trust are formed in people. Trust brings developmentalism. The high-security community feels at peace. Where there is no love, fear becomes dominant. Fear and love are opposites. You respect a person whom you are afraid of, but you do not love them. There is silence there. Unfortunately, eastern culture is a culture of fear. This culture somehow distances its people from innovation and developmentalism, libertarianism, entrepreneurship. This situation definitely needs to change in this era. In an age of such intense communication, there is a need for societies with high self-confidence, entrepreneurship and emotional expression. For example, the Japanese have no expression of emotion at all. That's why everyone seems to be laughing but you do not know if they are angry or they love it. Therefore, old-age suicide is most prevalent in Japanese society.”.

People feel safe in an environment where they are loved

Stating that it is one of the basic psychological needs of people to feel loved, Tarhan stated that "The most basic needs in Maslow's pyramid of needs are to eat, drink, reproduce and shelter. Shelter is a common need with animals. After that, a person wants to feel safe. After that, it comes the need to love and be loved. People feel safe in the environment where they are loved. If the person is not loved in the environment, that person approaches it with fear. If there is fear, avoidance and doubt, evil arise. Therefore, love has an important role in benign and malevolent qualities. Love increases benevolent feelings. Selfish love, on the other hand, increases evil. Love to get something is self-interested and selfish love. The real love to help the other party is more effective because it is unconditional love. For this reason, one of the greatest psychological needs of human beings is the need to feel loved. People feel safe where they feel loved. It is the language of goodness that best uses love.”.

A peremptory manner pushes relationships away

Stating that the expression of emotion is very important and that there are various tests related to the expression of emotion, Tarhan noted that the love language of emotion can also be in different ways. Tarhan stated that "For example, when a person says anything, affirming and encouraging words such as 'you did it great’ are indicators of love language. Or there is a difference between a humble request and a demand instead of being commanding when making a request to a person. Making requests such as 'Can I ask you to bring this to me, if you don’t mind' is called 'humble affirmation'. When the person being contacted is approached in a commanding and peremptory manner, the other party may do what is requested, but on the other hand, it also distances itself from the person. Especially in this age where self-centeredness is widespread in the name of individualization, the peremptory approach is completely eliminated. When something is requested, it is much more important to be able to express it in humble sentences. It is important to be able to say this in good sentences without making the other party feel obligated, without damaging the sense of autonomy and autonomy. To be able to say it in a compassionate way, with body language, with emotion and with requests, and to use phrases of appreciation, praise and affirmation is a precious virtue. This is one of the weaknesses of relationships and our culture.".

There are different forms of expression of love

Emphasizing that being able to express love is a separate skill, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan made the following remarks on the forms of expression of love:
Gifting is an expression of love. They are gifts that are not ordinary, but thought out, that make the other party feel valued. For example, I know those who buy detergent as a gift to his wife. Or he buys his wife a box of chocolates, sits down and eats with her. This is self-interested.
Another expression of love is the act of service. For example, if the person feels thirsty, the other person brings it immediately. As it shows when people are sick to each other. Service behaviors that try to ease the burden of the other party are very valuable. Spending quality time together is also an expression of love. Another love language is physical contact.
Physical contact, unfortunately, is something that we do not appreciate very much. The way to activate the romantic areas of the male and female brain is through physical contact. For example, the male is stimulated visually, the woman is physically stimulated. During the hugging and touching, the hormone oxytocin is secreted. Compliments and physical contact are expressions of love...
Another love language is to do good deed. So, silence acts of kindness are going beyond the behavior of service at a time when it least expects it. For example, calling your spouse's mom and dad is doing them a favor when they need that person. Sacrifice is also a very important love language. If a person who cannot express love is making sacrifices, it means that they love you, but they are not able to express it. Sacrifice is being there for you when you need it and taking care of the children. All of these things directly show love in our culture.

Love investment grows 2-3 times more and returns to the person

President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan concluded his remarks with the following recommendations: "It is necessary to grow the love repository by investing in love. An investment in love is an investment with a return. When love grows, you will also be generous. When you are generous with love, be sure that your love investment will grow 2-3 times and return to you. Be generous with love and love. That is, be like the sun. When the sun comes to earth, some flowers bloom and there are colorful and fragrant flower gardens. In another place where there is sunlight, there may be bad floral smells. The sun never stops. Let's not stop giving love. Love brings humanity closer together. The most important part of social peace and peace in the family is thee peace including unconditional love, which is compassion.

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)