President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated in an online seminar held as part of the 18th series of Family and Marriage School sessions organized by the Independent Student Platform. Tarhan discussed the topic “Common Problems Encountered in the First Five Years of Marriage and Solutions.” He stated that love alone is not enough for a successful marriage and emphasized the importance of emotional compatibility, physical harmony, and realistic expectations. Highlighting that the engagement period is a critical phase for preparing for marriage, Tarhan stressed the need to properly manage issues such as jealousy and communication problems.
“Love is not the reason for marriage, it is the result”
During the highly attended event, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized the concept of emotional compatibility in marriage. He said, “There are two major decisions in life: choosing a profession and choosing a spouse. Therefore, marriage is one of the most important decisions a person can make. However, just like any other major decision, marriage must be considered from multiple perspectives. There are scales that measure marital maturity, and the first key element that determines marital maturity is emotional compatibility. This means whether partners are emotionally compatible with each other. Love is very important in marriage but not sufficient on its own. The level of love between partners does not need to be perfect. If there is around 70 to 80 percent of love between them, that is enough. Some people answer the question ‘Why haven’t you married?’ by saying, ‘Because I haven’t fallen in love.’ Yet love is not the cause of marriage, it is its result. If there is a reasonable level of affection and good cooperation between partners, lifelong happiness and love will emerge over time. That is why emotional compatibility comes first. The second factor is physical harmony, which means that one must also consider whether both individuals are biologically ready for marriage.”
“While the elderly population increases, the youth population is decreasing”
Tarhan pointed out that fertility rates are declining worldwide. “Modernism has significantly weakened the institution of marriage. This trend has also affected Türkiye, and as a result, fertility rates are rapidly declining globally. Türkiye is among the countries influenced by this decline. For instance, if the fertility rate in Japan continues as it is, the country’s population will decrease by one-third by 2050. Similarly, in Türkiye, the population may decrease by nearly one-fourth. The current fertility rate is around 1.4, which means it has fallen below the population replacement level. This indicates that the population is starting to shrink and that the demographic pyramid is reversing. In other words, the elderly population is increasing while the young population is decreasing. A similar picture is seen in Europe. Western countries, especially Germany, are trying to fill the population gap through migration. There is significant migration from Eastern Europe to Western Europe, leading to a sharp population decline in Eastern Europe. Japan is also experiencing this decline, while the United States is less affected. Meanwhile, countries like Niger, Nigeria, and India are witnessing striking population growth. In the 1960s, population planning was implemented to reduce the global population. During that time, birth control was promoted as part of a global capital strategy. Today, however, anti-family and anti-marriage movements, as well as gender identity debates, are being used to undermine the family institution. All of these trends pose a serious risk to the future of humanity and pave the way for unhappy societies. Therefore, the declaration of 2025 as the Year of the Family in Türkiye is no coincidence but a necessary step dictated by current circumstances.”
“Once the engagement begins, the relationship becomes defined and serious”
Tarhan emphasized that the male and female brains do not work in the same way. “The male brain is more focused on eroticism, while the female brain operates with a focus on romance. This biological difference makes it difficult to maintain boundaries in relationships. There are three main stages in male-female relationships: friendship, romantic involvement, and marriage. During the dating or engagement phase, the seriousness of the relationship becomes clearer. Therefore, having overly close relationships before engagement is risky, as men and women have different biological vulnerabilities. A man’s vulnerability lies in sexuality, while a woman’s vulnerability lies in her need for romance. A study conducted in the United States on psychology students is particularly striking. Participants were asked to press a button each time they thought about sexuality. Male students pressed the button about five times a day, while female students pressed it only once. The ratio is roughly one to five. This shows that male and female brains function differently at a biological level. Research in neuroscience has also scientifically confirmed these differences. Therefore, the difficulty in maintaining emotional boundaries stems from this biological structure. However, once the engagement begins, the relationship becomes defined and serious. Engagement represents a commitment to marriage and a clear declaration of intent to marry.”
Couples should develop problem-solving skills
Tarhan compared marriage to H₂O. “After marriage, couples typically experience three stages. The first is the romantic period, commonly known as the honeymoon phase, which usually lasts between three to five months and one to two years. This is followed by the second stage, in which personality and power conflicts arise. This phase occurs, to some extent, in every marriage. If couples have developed problem-solving skills, they can navigate this period healthily. After this comes the third stage, the commitment period. At this stage, balance is established in the relationship, a mature bond is formed, and a long-lasting and healthy marriage emerges. This is why investing in marriage is essential. If a person is not mentally, psychologically, and philosophically prepared for marriage, they cannot be happy with the mindset of ‘I want to be married but still live however I want.’ Marriage naturally limits individual freedom to a degree but also creates a new form of life. I compare this to H₂O. Hydrogen and oxygen are two separate gases in the atmosphere. One is flammable, and the other is combustible. But when they combine, they form water, a new form of life. Marriage is like this; it is the union of two individuals that creates a life-giving new bond. The engagement period is a preparatory stage for marriage. During this process, there may be power struggles and differing opinions, but this is the first test of the relationship. The recognition of engagement as a defined stage in our traditions is actually a wonderful practice, as it allows couples to form a closer relationship within the knowledge of everyone involved. At that point, the main question becomes not whether to marry, but when.”
The three fundamental features of couple therapy
Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that expectations in marriage must be realistic. He said, “Having excessively high expectations in marriage is one of the main sources of conflict for both partners. In couple therapy, there are three key aspects we pay special attention to when we administer psychological assessments. The first is avoidance of intimacy, meaning whether one of the partners is unhappy being together and tends to withdraw. The second is mind reading, where a person assumes that the other has said or meant something that they never actually expressed. If someone perceives nonexistent events or statements as real, this indicates a serious communication problem. The third is the level of expectation. Unrealistically high expectations can cause major issues in marriage because they push the other person into feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Expectations must always be realistic. The same applies during the engagement period. Sometimes, before marriage, couples present long lists of demands such as a certain amount of gold or specific household items. While these may be part of cultural traditions, excessive and unrealistic expectations that do not align with the spirit of marriage can cause serious problems. When determining expectations, one must follow the principle of moderation. Partners should openly express their expectations and reasoning. Statements such as ‘It would be appropriate to do this much, but going further would not be right’ foster constructive communication. Simply saying ‘No’ creates a sense of injustice in the other person and leads to resentment. Therefore, it is important to maintain a clear, honest, and persuasive attitude such as ‘I would love to, but for these reasons, we cannot do that, this is what we can manage.’ This approach allows the couple to successfully pass their first relationship test.”
“Marriage requires rewriting life scripts”
Tarhan stated that couples should resolve their issues between themselves. He explained, “When a person gets married, they bring with them a life script shaped by the environment they grew up in. Each of us has these unconscious patterns written in our minds, guiding how we live our lives. When a person marries, they continue their life script, but this time, new actors enter the stage, that is, the spouse, the spouse’s parents, siblings, and family. Therefore, marriage requires rewriting the life script in our minds. If this script is not updated, a person unconsciously begins to ignore new family members, which is reflected in body language and facial expressions. The spouse interprets this attitude as rejection, thinking ‘They don’t want me,’ and responds defensively. Thus, conflict begins even without a single word being spoken. That is why couples must try to resolve their issues privately. If a husband and wife can handle their problems without involving their elders, the family elders will feel at peace seeing them happy. But if they sense unhappiness, they will naturally feel the need to intervene.”
“Jealousy is like a virus”
Comparing jealousy to a virus, Tarhan said that one’s psychological immune system must be strong. “A study conducted by the University of Nebraska identified three common traits in happy marriages. The first is that couples spend time together. The second is that they frequently express appreciation, praise, and approval. The third is that they attend church together. According to the study, marriages that possess these traits are happier and longer-lasting. The common point of these three elements is quality togetherness. In our culture, however, there is often a lack of appreciation and verbal affirmation. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, ‘Treat each other kindly.’ Authentic hadiths emphasize that spouses should approach each other with kindness and affection. When we look at the Age of Happiness, we see that the Prophet never raised his voice. Even when entering his home, he would greet in a way that would not disturb anyone. His relationships were built on love and respect. If such a foundation is not established, positive bonds weaken, and jealousy takes their place. Jealousy is like a virus, similar to the cold sore virus that lives in our bodies. Everyone has it, but when our immune system is strong, it does no harm. If our psychological resilience is intact, this jealousy virus remains dormant and harmless. However, when our emotional stability weakens, these feelings grow and begin to damage the relationship.”
The essentials of a healthy relationship: love, respect, and care
Tarhan concluded by saying that when emotions are properly managed, relationships remain healthy. “A healthy relationship rests on three pillars: love, respect, and care. When there is positive communication and genuine care, the languages of love within the family come into play. These include words of appreciation, praise, and affirmation, as well as physical affection and touch. In marriage, partners’ ability to express these emotions correctly plays a critical role in maintaining a healthy and lasting relationship.”