Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan: “The mother-child relationship should not be like a slave-master relationship”

Underlining the necessity of boundaries in human relationships, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that setting personal boundaries is not easy and needs to be expressed appropriately to the other party. Stating that children need private space, he said, “Most mothers see their child as a slave, like an extension of themselves. You can move your own arms and legs as you wish, but your child is not an extension of you. The mother-child relationship should not be like a slave-master relationship. This child is your child, but not yours to own; they are a separate individual. We call this the balance of individualization and integration.”

Uskudar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made statements regarding the importance of individual boundaries within the family.

Boundaries are necessary in human relationships

Stating that just as houses, apartments, and neighborhoods have boundaries, so too should human relationships, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “The measure of civilization is defined as humans making tools, carving stone. In fact, a more important civilization than carving stone is being able to build a fence. That is, being able to draw a boundary between oneself and neighbors and other people. Those who can draw this boundary become civilized. Similarly, boundaries are necessary in human relationships. First, this must be accepted as a principle.”

Without boundaries, relationships based on respect and trust cannot exist

Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that without boundaries, people would constantly have to fight, and relationships based on respect and trust would be impossible. He said, “Children of individuals who grow up without limits, irresponsibly, and insatiably, also learn without knowing boundaries. On the other hand, the boundaries of animal offspring are genetically encoded in the brain. Humans draw psychological boundaries; they have free will, their own private spaces, and regions.”

Children need private space

“Children do not know about private parts; they walk around naked. Parents need to teach privacy,” said Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, explaining, “If children are taught about private parts by being told not to allow anyone, including their parents, to touch the special areas of their body covered by underwear, issues such as sexual violence, harassment, and child abuse can be prevented.”  

Underlining that families should not enter children's rooms without knocking or search their drawers and rooms, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Children have a sense of private space, a need for private space. If it is invaded, they want to flee the home as soon as possible. In such situations, one cannot feel free; private space means an area where one feels safe.”

Children of controlling mothers start to object later

Stating that there are intrusive mothers involved in everything, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “We used to call these mothers ‘helicopter mothers,’ now we call them ‘stopping mothers.’ To such an extent that when the child goes to the toilet, she knocks on the door and asks, ‘What are you doing?’ to the child. Children of such intrusive, controlling mothers do not object to their mother until the age of 10, but when individualization begins, they start to feel both love and anger towards their mother, and defy her. This time, the mother says, ‘This child, who used to be my third leg, is now rebelling against me.’ If the child has a sense of autonomy, an even greater conflict occurs. If the child lacks a sense of autonomy, they obey at that moment, but defy their parents after adolescence.”

Most mothers see their child as a slave

Stating that just as there are boundaries between spouses, there should also be boundaries between a child and a mother, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “The mother-child relationship should not be like a slave-master relationship. Most mothers see their child as a slave, like an extension of themselves; sit, sit, stand, stand. You can move your own arms and legs as you wish, but your child is not an extension of you. This child is your child, but not yours to own; they are a separate individual. We call this the balance of individualization and integration.”

They start learning relationships after 1 year old

Noting that children can be raised with rigid boundaries just as they can be unaware of their boundaries, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “If we start with someone who doesn't know their boundaries, such individuals, if they are in social life, cannot learn everything from their mother and father. That’s why children need to learn human relationships after the age of 3, or even after they start walking at 1 year old. If you gather 1-year-old children in a room, when one cries, they all start to cry, why? Because they have empathy, but they haven't learned the limits of empathy. A child thinks another's pain is their own pain when someone cries. That’s why they also start crying. But when they mature, they go and help the crying child, trying to understand why. That’s how a child learns that boundary at an early age.”

The best way to learn boundaries is social interaction!

Emphasizing that the best way to learn boundaries is social interaction, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children from isolated families, disconnected from the world, cannot develop their social skills and are unsuccessful in human relationships. Tarhan said, “They either become excessively bold or fearful with low self-confidence. If a person has too much self-confidence, they invade everyone’s boundaries.”

Underlining that setting personal boundaries is not easy and needs to be expressed appropriately to the other party, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Here, sometimes even a facial expression, without saying anything, shows personal boundaries. For example, a child looks at their mother; some parents show no emotion. That is what we encounter most often; they do not show their sadness or their joy... The child cannot understand which is correct and acts as they wish, and this time the mother gets angry at the child. In such situations, express your feelings when the child is sad, and when they do something wrong, express the wrongness of it to them in an appropriate language.”

If there is inconsistency, the child cannot learn social boundaries

Stating that people with low emotional expression cannot draw boundaries, and boundaries are drawn not only by talking but also by body language and behavior, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan explained, “When he feels disapproval, he looks with his eyes and understands disapproval from his mother’s expression. If the mother’s leadership over her child is good, she pulls back. If the mother’s leadership is not good, saying one thing in the morning and another in the evening, kissing in the morning and saying ‘why did I give birth to you?’ in the evening, the child will not take the mother as a reference. For the child to take the mother and father as a reference, a structured, consistent, and continuous relationship is necessary. If there is inconsistency, the child cannot learn social boundaries.”

Tarhan reinforced these words with statements and examples like, “In fact, I know families where people walk around the house in beachwear with the toilet door open. The child goes outside, and similarly, social boundaries have not been taught or learned by the child. In these situations, usually when I look, the parents are well-intentioned but cannot teach the child; there is an issue with facial expression. The child doesn't understand; it needs to be said. It is possible to tell someone the rudest, most painful thing in the gentlest way. In such cases, if a bitter truth needs to be told, one should sit down and think, ‘How can I say this without hurting my spouse or child?’” He underlined that when approached this way, the child will not perceive their parents’ behavior as an unfair attack. He added, “If the child perceives it as an unfair attack, they become stubborn, sulk, wet themselves, want revenge, or some enter an inverse identity during adolescence.” 

When overdone, social phobia can develop in children

Stating that children see all kinds of good and bad things due to social media, the internet, and open doors at home, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “In such situations, raising children and teaching social boundaries becomes even more difficult. We say, ‘Be accommodating, don’t conform to anyone, say no,’ these are actually good things. But when you overdo it, the child develops timidity, social anxiety, and social phobia. With social phobia, they may feel like everyone will make fun of them when they enter a crowd. It hinders risk-taking and entrepreneurship. In this era, assertiveness, entrepreneurship, and risk-taking are important in both social life and business life.”

If you raise your child principle-oriented, they will neither oppress nor be oppressed

Stating that anger is like a flame within us, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan concluded his words as follows: “In a household with children, we already investigate whether there is an anger model for children. If one of the parents handles problems by shouting and screaming when they can’t solve them, and such a method has developed in the home, the child learns this as a problem-solving method. In the future, this anger control also harms human relationships; they make mistakes and get angry as they socialize. They cannot control their anger around their loved ones but can control it outside. This is actually oppressing one’s spouse and family. While learning social boundaries, one’s conscientious norms are also important. Someone without conscientious norms oppresses the weak and fears the strong. In their mental map, there is a wrong learning such as ‘obey the strong, crush the weak.’ If you raise your child profit-oriented, this is what happens, but if you raise them principle-oriented, they will neither oppress nor be oppressed.”