Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan: 'Overprotection and control are not love, but the imprisonment of a child's soul...'

Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that if parents constantly say ‘Don't do it, don't touch, don't interfere,’ this situation can negatively affect the development of a child's social skills. He stated, “How will an over-restricted child learn about life? Protecting them from dangers is certainly important, but it is also necessary to leave an area where the child can move freely within the home. Overprotection and control may seem like love, but they actually imprison the child's soul.”

Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that one should not be afraid of making mistakes, and that everyone can make mistakes, adding, “The moment you are afraid of making mistakes, social withdrawal begins, and your social abilities cannot develop. Making mistakes is a part of the human growth process. What matters is what you learn after making a mistake.”
 

Uskudar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed the issue of socially withdrawn personalities.

They prefer to be in a chosen solitude

Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that there are three main areas determining human behavior in social relationships: communication style, stress coping method, and problem-solving or event handling. Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that a person's performance in these three areas constitutes their general communication skills, saying, “In the literature, communication skills are evaluated according to an individual's tendencies towards introversion or extroversion. This distinction is particularly observable in children. The concepts of introversion and social withdrawal are often used interchangeably. However, this is not a correct approach. Social withdrawal can be understood as a more advanced state of introversion. Introverted individuals are defined as individuals with high ‘intrapersonal intelligence’ in the multiple intelligences theory. Their intrapersonal intelligence often reaches the level of wisdom; they speak little and prefer to be in a chosen solitude. Introverted individuals can easily establish relationships with the outside world when necessary.”

If a child is not guided towards social relationships, they can become dependent on their own imaginary world

Prof. Dr. Tarhan pointed out that being overly social with the outside world and never engaging with oneself is also an unhealthy situation, and said, “Social withdrawal is usually rooted in childhood influences. For this reason, social withdrawal is intensely researched, especially during childhood. Research focuses on how individuals develop during infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary school, early adolescence, and adolescence. Especially during infancy, low arousal levels and an overly protective and controlling approach from the family can negatively affect children's social development. Babies experience fear as soon as they are born and cry in response. During this process, they seek security and love by taking refuge with their mothers. When they feel mother's love, a sense of relief and security develops. However, as the child grows, they must overcome this fear and establish a healthier relationship with the outside world. Children who experience a lack of social contact during pre-walking and walking periods become more attached to their toys and can create their own introverted worlds with these toys instead of social interaction. If a child is not guided towards social relationships, they can become dependent on their toys and their own imaginary world. This situation can, at some point, be confused with an autism-like state of social isolation. They become like autistic individuals.”

Social isolation increases children's social withdrawal

Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that modern living conditions can also trigger this problem, and that children living in apartments do not have the opportunity to spend time with extended family members or neighborhood friends as they used to, saying, “The weakening of neighborhood relations can negatively affect children's social development, directing them only to individual activities such as television and computers. This type of social isolation is an important factor that increases children's social withdrawal. There is also a one-sided relationship with mobile phones. This can lead to situations we would call learned autism in these children. Children become withdrawn if they are not in a social environment.”

Human behavior and identity development are shaped by environmental and social factors

Prof. Dr. Tarhan explained that there are more than fifty cases in the literature referred to as “feral children,” individuals who grew up away from human interaction, usually in natural environments like forests, and were raised by animals, with one of the best-known examples being the Ukrainian Malaya case, saying, “In this case, the child lived with her alcoholic parents in a house on the edge of a forest until she was three years old. However, her parents showed no interest in the child, and she grew up among dogs. When the child was found at the age of 10, she was barking like a dog, walking on her hands and feet, drinking by putting her head under water, and exhibiting dog-like behaviors exactly. Even the child's gender was not clearly understood initially, and it was only determined over time that she was a girl. Even when the child reached her 20s, she was only able to develop her speech skills to a limited extent. Such cases show that human behavior and identity development are shaped more by environmental and social factors than by innate biological characteristics.”

Humans are born psychologically prematurely

Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that even the healthiest child is born psychologically prematurely and develops later, saying, “Human infants are born ‘prematurely’ compared to other living beings. Even if a normal physical birth has occurred, their psychological maturity has not yet developed, and it takes time to learn about the outside world. A human baby walks at one year old. At 15, they distinguish between good and bad.”

It is important for children to establish contact with people outside the family after the age of three

Regarding how one begins to notice if a person is socially withdrawn, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, “If a child avoids eye contact, immediately hugs their mother when they encounter someone, or exhibits a state of shyness, which we call behavioral inhibition, this situation is termed ‘behavioral inhibition.’ Sometimes, a child may even spit at someone who tries to pick them up. This situation is generally observed during the crawling and walking periods, that is, in the first three years. Such characteristics may indicate that the child is prone to developing social phobia. However, these situations are seen in 10-15% of children and should not always be considered a symptom of a disease. This may also be related to the child having an introverted temperament. As the socialization process progresses, the child's low level of social arousal may decrease. Parental interest in the child, conversations, and the people around the child are very important in this process. Especially the first three years are a critical period during which a warm and trusting relationship with parents must continue. However, after the age of three, it is important for the child to also establish contact with people outside the family. For a child growing up in an apartment environment, starting a nursery after the age of three can be beneficial. This is important for the child not to experience social inhibition.”

Social contact is very important for a child's development

Prof. Dr. Tarhan, stating that social contact is very valuable for a child's development, continued as follows:

“A child learns by making mistakes. By communicating with others, they learn from negative experiences and thus develop. Therefore, children should be provided with ample opportunities for social contact. For example, a child takes a glass of water and spills it. We say, 'They were naughty.' However, at that moment, the child is learning to develop their muscles against gravity. Children learn everything later, but the most important role models in this learning process are the mother and father. The child observes their attitudes while shaping their behavior. The parents' examination of whether they approve of the child's behavior in every situation is decisive in the child's development. If parents constantly say 'Don't do it, don't touch, don't interfere,' this situation can negatively affect the development of the child's social skills. How will an over-restricted child learn about life? Protecting them from dangers is certainly important, but it is also necessary to leave an area where the child can move freely within the home. Overprotection and control may seem like love, but they actually imprison the child's soul.”

Overcontrol and intervention are also a type of trauma

Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that overcontrol and intervention have also been added as a type of trauma to the scales used today to measure childhood traumas, stating, “This situation is a common problem, especially in our society. In studies conducted, while other types of trauma were not encountered in many cases, high scores related to parents' excessive control and intervention were observed. This situation defines the type of parent called ‘drone parents,’ who try to control every move of the child. Such an approach can cause children to fear the social sphere, experience a lack of self-confidence, and develop social withdrawal. The perception that life is not safe increases the child's need for overprotection. If parents constantly warn their children with phrases like 'Be careful, don't talk to anyone' or track every step of the child with a phone, this prevents the child from gaining experience freely. Socially withdrawn, low self-esteem children are raised. In other words, children who can achieve what they set out to do should be raised.”

Children should be taught the ability to say ‘no’

Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that social silence in children usually arises from weak social skills, fear of criticism, or making mistakes, and that such children are often accepted and glorified as 'easy children' in society, saying, “Children with social silence are often targeted by more aggressive peers, and this causes them to withdraw even further. Therefore, it is important to teach children the ability to say 'no' and to protect their personal boundaries and rights. Children need to be taught to solve problems without fighting and to develop problem-solving skills. This is the primary responsibility of parents. After starting school, educators come into play.”

Educators should be guides who develop students' social skills

Prof. Dr. Tarhan also noted that educators should not only be information transmitters but also guides who develop students' social skills, stating, “The reforms recently initiated by the Ministry of National Education can be considered an important step in this direction. Especially the transition to project-based education contributes to children learning to solve problems, socialize, and think, rather than just memorizing information. In this system, children are given projects, and knowledge is learned through discussions. For example, when a child returns home from school, they can talk about their projects with their family, which reinforces social and problem-solving skills. Although this reform has started at the high school and middle school levels, it is thought that such education should also be implemented at the elementary school level. Producing projects means being able to make comments, develop thought, and connect events. These increase sociality. We need to raise children who are prone to teamwork.”

Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that social withdrawal can manifest in various ways, and in such individuals, conditions like social behavioral inhibition, social withdrawal, shyness, or social indifference are generally observed. He continued as follows:

“Attachment styles can also differ in this process. If there is secure attachment, people develop healthily. There is also avoidant attachment. For example, there is loneliness in a crowd even if one doesn't want it. One remains alone even if one doesn't want to. One doesn't want to be alone, wants to develop, but remains silent in a crowd. Doesn't speak at all. And then there is anxious attachment. Their face turns beet red. They immediately panic. Their hands and feet tremble. They cannot speak. They cannot say, 'This is my opinion.' They cannot say, 'I think this way.' There is social phobia. There is social anxiety. If they enter a crowd, they feel like everyone is looking at them. For this reason, they sit near the door or want to quickly leave the environment. Symptoms such as blushing (erythrophobia), palpitations, and shortness of breath are frequently seen in these individuals. They experience great difficulties when they need to speak in public. This situation is particularly more pronounced in perfectionist individuals. Because they think everything should be perfect, they are afraid of making mistakes and work too much. However, excessive work can sometimes have the opposite effect. For example, even if a person has prepared very well for a topic, they may forget everything they know when they appear in front of an audience.”

The moment one fears mistakes, social withdrawal begins…

Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that one should not be afraid of making mistakes, and that everyone can make mistakes, saying, “The moment you are afraid of making mistakes, social withdrawal begins, and your social abilities cannot develop. Making mistakes is a part of the human growth process. What matters is what you learn after making a mistake. Individuals with high ego levels sometimes do not take any action because they are afraid of making mistakes. They prefer to do nothing due to the fear of making a mistake and being disgraced. But this is also a mistake, perhaps even a bigger mistake. To grow and develop in life, one needs to take risks. However, this risk must be calculable. We encourage people to take calculable risks, because through such risks, hidden talents emerge. For talents to develop, a person needs to learn social assertiveness and initiative. Assertiveness and social initiative trainings play an important role at this point. Through such trainings, individuals can overcome their fears and express themselves more comfortably. Of course, social withdrawal does not have to be a lifelong condition. If parents find it difficult to overcome this situation, they can seek help from a specialist. Specialists can provide assertiveness and initiative training appropriate for the child's age. Since children's psychological structure is quite flexible, they adapt very quickly to new situations and can easily overcome such problems with the right support.” He concluded his words.