Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "Comparing siblings is like pouring gasoline on fire"

President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan recently met with educators and parents at Private Dragos Esa College. During the online session titled "Family Communication with Children," Prof. Tarhan emphasized the importance of maintaining a healthy and balanced approach in relationships with children. Tarhan noted that making comparisons among siblings is like pouring gasoline on a fire, as it can exacerbate feelings of jealousy.

"Children who attend preschool can be one step ahead in terms of socialization."

Highlighting the significance of early childhood education for socialization, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that "One of the most challenging and specialized fields of education is early childhood education. The preschool and early primary school years require special attention. When a child first comes to school, they may feel as though they have arrived on an unfamiliar planet. They leave the safety of their home, away from their mother or father. At this stage, children who have previously attended preschool can be a step ahead in socialization. They tend to have slightly more developed social and emotional skills. It is important to observe which aspects of the child come to the forefront in preschool and kindergarten environments. Up to this age, a child has already written their own life script, which is like interacting with parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, and cousins. Now, new characters enter their life: teachers, older students, classmates, and friends. The child must learn to rewrite their life script alongside these new characters."

"The brain is like a bridge between our soul and the material world"

Prof. Tarhan explained that the brain serves as a bridge between the soul and the physical world and made the following remarks: "There is a structure in the front part of the brain called the medial prefrontal cortex, which functions like an observation tower. This region is highly active in children. They observe and monitor everything, which is first at home, then at school. Through these observations, they gradually build an understanding of their world. We often say that 'Every child is a world of their own,' and I want to emphasize that this is not an abstract idea but a concrete reality. Our spiritual nature is expressed through our brains. The brain is like a bridge between our soul and the material world. It is the organ that makes our inner self visible. Therefore, when dealing with a child in the preschool period, we must be aware that we are laying the foundation of a person. Just as a building with strong foundations stands firm during an earthquake, a person with strong foundations can navigate life’s challenges without collapsing."

"Democracy begins at home"

Prof. Tarhan pointed out that the number of child-centered families has been increasing recently and made the following remarks: "We usually encounter three types of family structures. The first is the authoritarian or autocratic family type, where obedience is emphasized. Children are expected to follow orders without question. A famous saying captures this mindset: 'The elder speaks, and the younger stays silent.' Children raised in this environment learn not to speak against their elders. The second type is the liberal family, where children are given complete freedom and are placed at the center. The number of children raised in such families has increased significantly. These children grow up as little leaders of the household, but they often struggle in preschool and kindergarten because others do not always behave according to their wishes. However, these environments provide an excellent opportunity for them to learn about life. The third type is the democratic family, where a sense of equality and fairness is fostered. This is why we always say that democracy begins at home. If a child does not grow up in a democratic environment at home, they may struggle to apply democratic principles in their future relationships, marriage, or work life."

"Preschool education should focus on raising virtuous individuals"

Emphasizing the importance of values education between the ages of 4-6, Prof. Tarhan noted that "China and Japan have an excellent practice in their education systems that we have not yet implemented. We still view schools as places where children are filled with knowledge. However, the preschool period, especially between the ages of 4-6, requires a completely different approach. In these countries, children receive values education at this age. Instead of focusing on teaching academic skills like reading and writing, they emphasize behavioral education which is playing together, sharing, helping, assembling and disassembling things, engaging in physical activities. Through team activities and hands-on experiences, children are taught fundamental values. They have even developed a special education module for this age group. The fruits of such education are not seen immediately. There is a proverb: 'If you want a one-year crop, plant wheat. If you want a ten-year crop, plant trees. But if you want a fifty or a hundred-year outcome, raise people.' This is a long-term investment. The impact of investing in a child becomes visible after at least 15-20 years. Our preschools should adopt this understanding as well. Preschool education should focus on raising virtuous individuals. It is during this age that children learn honesty, kindness, empathy, and fairness. Later, they reinforce these values through experience. Therefore, the starting point of values education is this critical period. "

"Comparing siblings is like pouring gasoline on fire"

Explaining that unfairness among siblings can lead to problems, Prof. Tarhan stated that "The biggest trigger for sibling jealousy is comparison. There is already a natural sense of jealousy among siblings. Comparing them is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It intensifies the jealousy, disrupting the peace of the children and creating tension in the household. If, on top of this, there is an element of unfairness, jealousy worsens. For instance, when a new baby is born, telling an older sibling, 'Now that your sibling is here, you are no longer important,' can provoke jealousy. The older child may even pinch the baby while they are sleeping, which goes beyond natural jealousy. Of course, a certain level of natural sibling rivalry is normal. Siblings may fight but soon start playing together again. What matters is how parents approach such situations. If one parent sides with one child and the other parent with another, it creates a vertical coalition within the family, leading to polarization. Instead, there should be a horizontal coalition, that is, parents should maintain a unified approach and use a common language. They should also teach their children that having a sibling is an advantage in learning about life. There will always be conflicts and boundary violations among siblings, but these experiences teach children how to resolve disputes and develop empathy."

"A child who cannot learn the boundaries of life can harm both themselves and others"

Emphasizing the importance of the family as a safe environment, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that "One of the primary functions of a family is to be a safe haven. The key concept here is trust. It is important for a child to love their home, but this love is only meaningful when it is accompanied by a sense of security. If there is no trust, love alone is not enough, and this can result in a spoiled, unsatisfied, and irresponsible child. A child who does not learn the boundaries of life can harm both themselves and those around them. But if they learn these boundaries, they understand where to stop, recognize their own abilities, and develop emotional awareness. This greatly contributes to their growth as a healthy individual. Teaching a child about boundaries is an invaluable investment in their mental and emotional development. These are the seeds planted in the child’s growing soul—seeds that are first sown in the family and later in preschool. Over time, these seeds grow into trees and bear fruit. This is how many remarkable individuals are raised."

"Playing promotes social development, while love fosters emotional growth"

Explaining that children learn their social boundaries through play, Prof. Tarhan said that "There is a concept called ‘silent education.’ This method does not involve giving children long lectures, but rather teaching through behavior, setting an example, and allowing them to learn by observing. The essence of silent education is that children learn through observation. The real problem begins if a child is in a leadership position at home, especially if they are an only child. But if the child is not a leader, they have the chance to learn the social boundaries of life, especially among siblings. This difference may seem small, but it is learned through experience. Children who do not grow up with neighbors or cousins may miss out on this social learning. Once a child begins to walk, the process of socialization also begins. At this stage, the most significant tool for learning is play. Play is a child’s most important job. Through play, children learn social boundaries, sharing, and patience. Giving a child a tablet between the ages of 0-3 and leaving them alone with a screen is extremely harmful. During this period, parents should play with their children. Play is the child’s profession. Just as adults have their work, a child’s work is play. The essence of child mental health can be summarized in two words: play and love. Play fosters social development, while love supports emotional growth. It is essential to teach children social boundaries at home. Parents should not simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to everything the child requests. They must teach them when to stop and when to proceed."

"Fear not the trauma itself, but the failure to recognize it"

Explaining the steps of psychological resilience, Prof. Tarhan stated that "We should not fear trauma itself, but rather the failure to recognize it. We all experience traumatic events in life. A life without problems is impossible. Life is like a table set with both good and bad, sweet and bitter. What matters is to accept this reality and focus on the positive. If we overreact to every situation, there may be a suppressed or unrecognized trauma beneath it. A person with emotional awareness can manage this situation. Accepting our mistakes is a sign of maturity. A person who can confront themselves can also mature their ego. This is why, if a parent wants to correct their child, or a teacher wants to guide their student, they must start with themselves. We must begin to change the world by changing ourselves. By understanding our strengths and weaknesses, we become aware of our emotions, which also allows us to better understand the emotions of others. If we are unaware of our emotions, we suppress and reflect them onto others. We may label a child as ‘naughty’ or say ‘they will never succeed,’ which is actually a reflection of our own lack of confidence and can damage the child’s self-esteem. The first step to psychological resilience is self-awareness. The second step is self-management, which means controlling one’s impulses and emotions. The third step is emotional awareness, which involves understanding the emotions of others and developing empathy. Finally, the fourth step is managing relationships. Without developing these three fundamental skills, we cannot maintain healthy relationships."

"Those who are happiest have strong social connections"

Prof. Tarhan emphasized that social ties within families and neighborhoods have weakened in recent years and stated that "The human brain operates relationally. It cannot function properly in isolation; it requires connection and social interaction to develop. In short, human beings are social creatures. These relationships are of great importance for both mental and emotional development. There is a remarkable study on this topic, which is Harvard University's 70-year-long Happiness Study. The study followed people from different backgrounds for many years. The conclusion was clear: those who are happiest in life are those with strong social ties. This finding shows that a person’s happiness is not determined solely by their wealth, job, or education, but by the quality of their relationships with others. In this sense, we are actually a fortunate society. Our family structure, neighborhood relations, and friendships are traditionally strong. However, in recent years, these bonds have weakened. Last year, the term ‘crowded loneliness’ was chosen as the word of the year. This indicates that many people feel lonely even when surrounded by crowds. This is a serious warning, both individually and socially. We need to teach children the importance of socializing, sharing, and working together at an early age. Because sharing and building relationships are among the most essential skills a person will use throughout their life. Raising happy, healthy individuals begins here."

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)