Moving away from goodness leads to loneliness!

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated in a talk titled "Goodness and Psychology: The Effect of Helping on Mental Health," organized by the Young Good People Club of Istanbul University Faculty of Theology. Drawing attention to the impact of a meaning-focused life philosophy on human happiness, Tarhan stated that people who move away from doing good become lonely. Tarhan also added that kindness done expecting something in return is usury.

The talk was moderated by Istanbul University faculty member Prof. Ümit Horozcu.

The program, held at the Istanbul University Faculty of Theology Grand Conference Hall, began with the recitation of the Holy Quran by İsa Çeker.

One of the greatest harms modernism has done to humanity…

Addressing the impact of modernism on male-female relationships, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan began his remarks by saying: "The structures of men and women are not similar but complementary. For example, like poles repel, opposite poles attract. Temperamentally, if both are feminine or both are masculine, they cannot make it work. If one is masculine and one is feminine, they can get along. So, one of the greatest harms modernism has done to humanity is the masculinization of women. For instance, a woman who has entered business life wants to become a manager. They say, 'This job is not for women, you can't do it.' But the woman says, 'I can do it.' The woman takes the job, truly proves herself, and becomes a manager. The woman says, 'You said I could not do it, but I became a manager.' The man, however, said, 'I do not see you as a woman anyway.' So, imagine, she has pushed her femininity and maternal feelings into the background to that extent. She remains in an environment where she does not express her femininity. This has become a characteristic of modernism. Meaning, the psychological roles of men and women are not the same. Therefore, a woman's interest in psychology is related to her greater mental investment in these subjects."

“For a person to be helpful, they need to have emotional literacy”

Stating that a meaning-focused life philosophy affects human happiness, Tarhan said: "The first characteristic of the California syndrome is making hedonism a life philosophy. Meaning, it turned the life philosophy into one focused on pleasure by saying, 'What pleases me is good, what displeases me is bad.' Even Aristotle criticized this. According to Aristotle, there are two types of happiness. One is pleasure happiness, hedonic happiness. And the other is meaning happiness, eudaimonic happiness. Pleasure happiness exists in the brain as dopamine. While meaning happiness exists as serotonin. Serotonin activates the brain's true system, but dopamine does not. For example, both cocaine and nicotine trigger dopamine release. When dopamine runs out, one craves it again and again. Serotonin is not like that; the brain doesn't instantly produce it. The pleasure-focused philosophy versus the meaning-focused philosophy has affected human happiness. Helpfulness is also very closely related to this. For a person to be helpful, they need to have emotional literacy. They need to understand the other person's feelings, pain, and distress. After understanding, they need to succeed in helping them while protecting their own identity, feelings, and boundaries. To achieve this, the person needs to invest in themselves and develop themselves," he stated.

“Modernism fosters narcissistic personality traits”

Tarhan, also mentioning other characteristics of the California syndrome, said: "The second characteristic of the California syndrome is egocentrism, meaning selfishness. Third in line is loneliness. The United Nations talks about three threats awaiting the future. The first is income inequality, the second is climate change, and the third is loneliness. Ministries of loneliness have been established. The reason for this is humans becoming selfish. A selfish person doesn't help. Modernism fosters narcissistic personality traits. Selfishness arises. As a result, loneliness and unhappiness emerge. Addictions are increasing. Globally, psychiatric illnesses are increasing. Social media and digitalization have also accelerated this," he said.

“Kindness done expecting something in return is usury”

Tarhan, saying that behavior and effort should be praised, not personality, stated: "Random acts of kindness are very effective. Kindness done expecting something in return is usury. Narcissistic people do good deeds to reinforce their feelings of superiority. They give a chicken and expect a goose. Meaning, you don't do good deeds for everyone. If you do a good deed for a narcissistic person, you inflate their ego. It backfires on you. For example, when praising a person, you should praise their behavior and efforts, not their personality. If you praise their personality, their ego inflates. This is not kindness. You should praise the behavior," he said.

“One should not be modest in front of a narcissistic person”

Addressing the characteristics of narcissistic people, Tarhan stated: "Narcissists see themselves as special, important, and superior. Because they see themselves as superior, they perform acts of kindness that feed their feelings of superiority. They do kindness for ego gratification. When you do them a kindness, they perceive it as a weakness. If you are going to do a kindness for a narcissist, you need to think twice or three times. Meaning, if you do kindness to gain the trust of a narcissistic person, they will bring you into their sphere of dominance, devalue you, and look down on you. One should not be modest in front of a narcissistic person. If you act modestly in front of them, they perceive it as weakness. Of course, one needs to be sure that the person in front of them is a narcissist. These individuals' sense of entitlement is self-directed. They feed on praise. Since they feed on praise, it is necessary to praise their behavior and efforts. If you blindly praise their personality, it is harmful to them and also involves devaluing yourself. You would be disrespecting yourself," he stated.

“Acts of kindness done with divine pleasure as the ultimate goal are more effective”

Tarhan, expressing that evil decreases as good and beautiful deeds increase, said: "The kindness mentioned in the Holy Quran should be done not for our ego (nafs) and benefit, but for Divine Pleasure (Rıza-i İlahi). Acts of kindness done with divine pleasure as the ultimate goal (gaye-i maksat) are more effective. They become selfless, silent acts of kindness. Transformative acts of kindness emerge. Therefore, there is a law of entropy in kindness. The law of entropy is the second law of thermodynamics. Meaning, darkness does not exist; there is the absence of light. Cold does not exist; there is the absence of heat. Evil does not exist; there is the absence of goodness. Just as evil disappears when you increase goodness, when good and beautiful deeds increase, evil spontaneously decreases," he said.

“Intention has a magical effect”

Explaining the importance of intention in kindness, Tarhan said; “One of the reasons modernism opposes goodness and mutual aid is the concept of humility and helping. Nietzsche says, ‘Things like humility and mutual aid increase a person's operational costs, decrease their production, and pull them down.’ Meaning, it reduces production. Therefore, an understanding emerges like, ‘Don't help anyone, let everyone fend for themselves in global competition, let the strong survive, and let the weak do whatever they will.’ Philosophy progressed in this direction at the time, but later they realized that it's impossible for society to be happy by ignoring its disadvantaged segments. That's why social responsibility projects were developed. For example, one of the most important indicators in European Union standards is how much support is provided to disadvantaged people. Meaning, how does a society treat its individuals with disabilities, its elderly, and those in need of help? They have introduced special standards for everything, from car parking spaces to restrooms. Of course, intention is very important when doing good. In religions too, the essential thing is for the intention to be for divine pleasure. Once the intention is right, regardless of what the other party does, that intention has a magical effect.”

“Whichever side we nurture comes to the fore”

Emphasizing the importance of principle-based helping, Tarhan stated; “We need to ask ourselves the question, ‘What is my intention?’ ‘What is my real intention? Am I expecting something? Is this an investment, is there an expectation of gain? Or am I doing this because it's a high value? Regardless of the belief system, do I see this as a high value?’ One needs to think about these. Meaning, the issue is principled help. Helping in a principle-based manner. For example, Kant says in ethical philosophy, ‘A person is helped simply because they are human. Do good to them because they are human.’ There is another dimension to this matter here. For example, Otto Kernberg, one of the important living psychoanalysts, says, ‘There is a bad part within human beings.’ Classical psychoanalysis did not accept this. The humanism school said, ‘Humans are inherently good, evil comes later, it is incidental,’ but now we see that we have both a good and a bad side within us. Tasawwuf (Sufism) already stated this long ago; we have something called the ‘nafs’ (ego/self), a powerful aspect. We have a malevolent side and also a benevolent side. Whichever side we nurture comes to the fore.”

“Goodness visits good hearts, it does not stop by bad hearts”

Stating that generosity is the form of goodness that has become part of one's personality, Tarhan said; “When goodness is not done based on principle, meaning when it doesn't rest on a solid foundation, it can sometimes lead to bad outcomes. As people see these outcomes, they start to move away from doing good. And when people move away from doing good, they become lonely. Because goodness builds a person's environment. Its greatest benefit is building a network. A person builds their social network through goodness. Therefore, generosity is very important. Because generosity is the form of goodness that has become part of personality. Of course, there are types of generosity too. A person might give, but gives reluctantly. They feel as if a piece is being torn from within them. This is not generosity in the full sense. True generosity is kindness done sincerely and willingly. Perhaps not everyone has it, but a person still does it because they know it's right, they give despite their nafs (ego/self). It is then that this becomes a personality trait. Worship is like this too. If you can do it despite your nafs, it is acceptable. The nafs doesn't want it; for example, getting up from that sweet sleep in the morning to go to the morning prayer is difficult for the nafs. Sezai Karakoç has a beautiful saying, ‘A religion that wakes you from sleep in the morning cannot be a religion of self-interest.’ Meaning, if this religion wanted to spread widely, it wouldn't have such teachings that challenge the nafs. The aim here is not to spread, but to cultivate high-quality individuals. Therefore, doing good is not granted to everyone. Goodness becomes a guest in good hearts. It doesn't stop by bad hearts…”

“A person should have goal, time, and importance pyramids”

Offering advice to young people on the path of life, Tarhan said; “The most important thing, I believe, is to have a goal. Especially professional goals, life goals... As a human being, you should have a goal pyramid. At the very top of this pyramid should be abstract goals. Meaning, the answers to questions like ‘What kind of person do I want to be?’, ‘What should be written on my tombstone?’, ‘How do I want to be remembered?’ should be at the very top. In the second tier come concrete goals. First, you must place the answers to those big questions at the top, the ones that make you who you are, that guide you. Because these goals are very important. Along with this, another important issue is setting your priorities well. What do you spend your time on? Where do you invest your love the most? This is very determining. For example, there are people with obsessive-compulsive disorder; they are very hardworking, their sense of responsibility is high. However, sometimes they get bogged down in details. They leave an important task to deal with a crooked nail on the table. Whereas, what's important is to focus on the details relevant to the goal. Useful detail brings success, while unnecessary detail is a trap that distracts people. Therefore, time management is very critical here. A person should have a goal pyramid, a time pyramid, and an importance pyramid. When you clarify these, you manage both your time and your psychological resources better. Because we all have a life capital and also a psychological capital. Just like money, these resources also need to be managed. Input control, output control... The more you accumulate, the stronger you become. Similarly, one must carefully plan investments of love, sources of pleasure, and investments in oneself. One needs to frequently ask the question, ‘What am I investing in right now?’ and prioritize accordingly.”

“The greatest kindness you can do for someone is to give them your time”

Explaining the importance of dialogue in close relationships, Tarhan said; “In close relationships, the greatest kindness you can do for a person is to give them your time. This isn't just talking, not a monologue; it truly needs to be a dialogue. Listening, trying to understand, and being able to act according to their needs is very valuable. Because the most effective way to persuade a person is to speak through their values. Not with our own truths. We need to understand what they value and which words affect them. Quickly recognizing the other person's need and acting accordingly. Sometimes even a smile is kindness. Saying ‘How are you?’, a sincere look, a few kind words, a genuine touch. All of these are actually acts of kindness. Meaning, they don't have to be big things. These small acts of kindness have big impacts. Friends of God (Allah dostları), for example, those people don't expect anything in return when they do good. They do it for Divine Pleasure. That is why Allah makes them beloved. If you do kindness thinking ‘so they will love me,’ it backfires, but if you sincerely do kindness to do what is right, truly according to the other person's need, then it finds its place. Therefore, one must be careful when doing good. Is it truly serving something good, or are we unintentionally contributing to badness? Every act of kindness must reach the right place,” he concluded his words.

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)