Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "The digital generation requires digital parenting"

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan attended the "Istanbul Parent Summit" organized by the Istanbul Provincial Directorate of National Education as part of the 2025 Year of the Family. Reminding that the 0-3 age range holds a significant place in learning about life, Tarhan stated that the child's first teacher is the mother. Highlighting that Turkish culture places great importance on the family, Tarhan noted that investments in the family yield positive results in the medium and long term. Also reminding that digital media governs us, Tarhan added that the digital generation requires digital parenting.

The summit, held at Ataşehir Ahmet Keleşoğlu Science High School, was attended by Istanbul Governor Davut Gül, Istanbul Provincial Director of National Education Assoc. Prof. Mücahit Yentür, and numerous educators in the field. The summit was met with great interest by the participants.

The interview session with Prof. Nevzat Tarhan was moderated by Journalist Şaban Özdemir.

"The child's first teacher is the mother"

Stating that the 0-3 age range holds a significant place in learning about life, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan expressed that "When a human child is born, they are psychologically premature. For example, a duckling swims immediately after hatching from its egg. A giraffe calf walks right away, but a human walks at 1 year old. They learn to choose between good and evil around age 15. They learn all these things later. The child's first teacher is the mother. Between 0-3 years, no one can replace the mother or a mother figure. There is a motherhood hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It is secreted most abundantly in breastfeeding mothers. Biologically, there is such a law from creation. If there is no mother or mother figure during that period, the child cannot develop, cannot learn about life. More than 50 percent of life is learned between ages 0-3. It used to be said 0-6 years, but current developments point to the 0-3 age range.".

"We are a culture that greatly values the family"

Touching on the importance of declaring 2025 as the Year of the Family, Tarhan stated that "A warm connection is indispensable in a healthy family. If there is no safe space in the family, if there are no healthy connections, children raised there will struggle in life. Therefore, wise administrations make family investments as medium to long-term investments. Declaring this year as the 'Year of the Family' was truly a great opportunity. Meaning, the state paved the way for us. Therefore, we need to follow through on this path. We are a culture that greatly values the family. Our family ties are healthy, but at this rate, it won't be like this in 10-20 years. Because household fragility is increasing. Single-person households are considered fragile households. Five-person households are considered healthy households. This is present in TurkStat (TÜİK) statistics. Five-person households are rapidly decreasing. Single-person households are rapidly increasing. If measures are not taken against this situation, we will become a much more problematic society in the future. Social peace will be affected, crime will increase, suicide will increase, violence will increase, and cultural values will not be transmitted."

"The spread of this virus endangers the future of society…"

Highlighting the importance of focusing on the positive instead of fighting the negative, Tarhan stated: "A virus has entered the family and is about to disrupt it. The spread of this virus endangers the future of society. I never forget the first books I wrote: 'Being at Peace with Yourself,' 'Marriage Psychology,' 'Happiness Psychology,' 'The Last Refuge: Family'… I sensed this when I wrote these books. Because we are in the profession, we see the bleeding wound. It's bleeding internally, meaning it's not visible from the outside. In medicine, there are four pillars The first is the treatment pillar. It is expensive, requires resources, and is burdensome. The second is identifying risk groups and ensuring they do not get sick. Providing treatment through early diagnosis. The third is tertiary prevention, treatment done after allowing for probability to prevent recurrence. In other words, we need to look holistically. The family is the most important thing in preventive mental health. Solving problems by strengthening the strong side is more logical. Working on the positive instead of fighting the negative. That is, social scientists should not approach events like repairmen. Social scientists should approach their subjects like architects. A repairman deals with the past, fixes it, and leaves it, but social scientists need to design the future."

"Investments made in the family are investments whose fruits we will reap in the medium to long term"

Drawing attention to the importance of not losing family ties, Tarhan noted: "In the past, there were extended families. When a problem arose at home, grandmothers were there; they would help solve the problems. Someone comes from Europe researching our family structure. They examine, 'Is Türkiye nuclear family or extended family?' They can't say nuclear family, nor extended family. They see that they look like cellular families in the same apartment building, but they all live together. 'You have formed a nuclear family confederation,' they say. Meaning, we have actually produced our own solution. This is a good thing. Because when a situation arises, they help each other. It's a terrific family insurance. Currently, it's the family insurance that keeps Türkiye standing and helps mitigate economic crises. One family member falls, another helps. Such close interactions emerge. We must not lose these. So, one of the most important new horizons in family psychology is increasing the support for and number of strong families. Its fruits emerge later. Investments made in the family are investments whose fruits we will reap in the medium to long term."

"A family mediation system should be implemented"

Expressing that some problems can be solved by implementing a family mediation system, Tarhan stated that "Crisis management in the family needs to be done well. That is, a family mediation system should be implemented. For example, commercial mediation has been successful in Türkiye. Around 70 percent of cases were diverted from courts. After the pandemic, rent mediation emerged. It also took its place among ordinary dispute resolution options. However, there is another mediation system. This mediation system is family mediation. Twenty percent of those who divorce get remarried. This 20 percent statistic is from the ministry. If this family mediation system exists, the problem can be resolved before reaching the court. If there is violence, mediation is meaningless, but in all cases other than violence, many issues can be resolved through family mediation."

"Confronting them becomes an ego war!"

Stating that the digital generation requires digital parenting, Tarhan said that "In our culture, the man is called 'refik,' the woman 'refika.' 'Refik' means male companion. 'Refika' means female journey companion. Meaning, you have entered married life, you have a high purpose. A companionship for that journey is chosen. There needs to be a common purpose in marriage. There needs to be an ego ideal. Someone without a design in their head cannot sustain their marriage. They drift wherever the wind blows. Populist culture governs us. We are not the subjects of our lives. We are not the captains of our lives. Social media governs us. Digital media, environments govern us. Especially communication technologies govern us. We need to teach screen time management. This requires digital parenting. We cannot do it with traditional parenting; we cannot convince them. They are the digital generation. The young generation is egocentric, but they are very endearing, well-intentioned, and have a high sense of innocence. Therefore, instead of confronting them, we should bring them to our side. Confronting them leads to ego wars."

"We need to teach a meaning-oriented life philosophy"

Emphasizing the importance of meaningful happiness, Tarhan said: "Modernism has currently changed our life philosophy. People say, 'If I'm not going to do what I want, why should I live?' This is a hedonistic life philosophy. The USA has started paying the price for this. There is a tremendous decay it is experiencing. Family decay. Hedonism is pleasure-oriented. This is related to dopamine in the brain. In fact, Aristotle said this 2,500 years ago. Aristotle divides happiness into two: One is hedonic happiness. The other is meaningful happiness (eudaimonia). Neuroscience has now confirmed this. Pleasure happiness releases dopamine in the brain. Short-term pleasures release it, but when the dopamine runs out, it wants more. Meaningful happiness, on the other hand, involves having a future goal. You take a step towards that goal. You encounter an obstacle, but you think of the goal. You say, 'I need to overcome this.' As you do this, the brain manages that pleasure, achieves postponement, masters the skill of delayed gratification, resilience training. It produces serotonin in the brain. Indeed, the characteristic of antidepressant drugs is also to increase serotonin, not dopamine, in the brain. It provides happiness in the brain by increasing serotonin. Dopamine is related to pleasure, meaning short-term happiness. After this support from neuroscience, it has been understood that a hedonistic life philosophy as a way of life is wrong. We need to teach a meaning-oriented life philosophy."

"The child receives love from the mother and security from the father"

Annelik ve babalık kariyerlerinden bahseden Tarhan stated that “Çocuk anneden sevgi, babadan güven Talking about motherhood and fatherhood careers, Tarhan said that "The child receives love from the mother and security from the father. The child has two heroes: one is the mother, the other is the father. The father gives them security against external realities. The mother gives them security against internal realities. That is, our biological algorithm was created this way. The brain's operating system is also like this. Modernism has greatly affected this too. How many careers does the mother have, how many does the father have? The woman has a motherhood career, a spouse career, a homemaker career. The man has a single career, the businessperson career. They say, 'You have everything provided for you.' They say, 'When the child does something good, it's from me; when they do something bad, it's from you.' There is this type of fatherhood role. Mothers try to fix this, compensate for it…"

"The mother devotes herself to her children, the father to his work"

Explaining the topic of role sharing in marriage, Tarhan concluded: "After marriage, the mother devotes herself to her children, the father devotes himself to his work. The emotional distance between them widens. As it widens, problems cannot be resolved. When the emotional distance widens, a fight breaks out over a simple issue, for example. When solving this problem, the family needs to ask the question, 'What is best for the family?' If a father does this, the leadership in the family rests with him. Currently, in studies we conduct asking 'Who holds the leadership in the family?' the mother is always trying to compensate, being self-sacrificing, the giving party. If the man only takes on the role of a businessperson bringing money home, problems definitely arise in that family. But the father role, the spouse role, and if working, the businessperson role – the mother works too. He needs to help with this. It needs to be done as fair sharing. There is the 5S rule in marriage. The first S is Sevgi (Love). Slightly greater than love is Şefkat (Compassion) – unconditional love, love with empathy. The second S, like water for love which needs discipline, is Saygı (Respect). Without respect, love poisons. Respect also sets boundaries. A step beyond respect, as one can show respect out of fear, is Nezaket (Politeness) – sensitivity to not hurting the other person. The third S is Sabır (Patience). Patience is twofold: negative patience and positive patience. Negative patience is enduring hardships. Positive patience is being able to postpone pleasures while moving towards a goal, acting wisely thinking of the purpose. This is also patience. The fourth S is Sadakat (Loyalty/Fidelity). Sadakat also has two meanings: one is truthfulness, Sıdk. The second is commitment, faithfulness. Sıdk – where there is lying, there is no trust. Where there is no trust, all kinds of evil find a way. Therefore, if we were to fill a room with all evils, the door would be opened by lying. The fifth is Samimiyet (Sincerity/Genuineness). An open, transparent, honest relationship in the family is very important. When such a relationship exists, a tremendous bond is formed."

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)