Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “Goal-oriented patience is the foundation of psychological resilience”

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, Psychiatrist and Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, was the guest speaker of the “Educational Readings for Administrators” seminar, organized in cooperation with the Ümraniye District Directorate of National Education and the Ümraniye Municipality. Meeting with educators who had read his book “Being at Peace with Yourself”, Tarhan shared important insights on emotional regulation and emphasized the increasing prevalence of narcissism. He pointed out that, although material prosperity has increased globally, psychological problems have not declined. Tarhan highlighted that goal-oriented patience is the foundation of psychological resilience and drew attention to the concepts of negative and positive patience.

The talk took place at the Ümraniye District Governorate Conference Hall, and was attended by Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, Ümraniye District Director of National Education Mustafa Sözen, Acting Mayor of Ümraniye, the District Administrative Officer, as well as many administrators and educators.

The session was moderated by journalist Şaban Özdemir.

“Material wealth is increasing, but psychological issues are not decreasing”

Emphasizing the rising levels of narcissism, Prof. Tarhan stated that narcissists tend to make self-centeredness part of their personality and expressed that “We try to understand the root causes of people’s problems. Violence, suicide, substance addiction, and loneliness are all increasing. We are researching the underlying reasons behind these trends. There’s a global wave of narcissism that has clearly become more pronounced. A narcissist places themselves at the center of the world. This person does not confront themselves or engage in self-reflection. They try to dominate and control everything. They may mistreat their spouse or coworkers.
The solution begins with self-awareness. This is not new information; it is ancient wisdom. As people acquire more, they tend to forget this truth. Looking at global trends, material wealth has risen. For instance, a study in the U.S. showed that between 1950 and 2000, the per capita GDP rose from $35,000 to around $70,000. Material wealth is increasing, but psychological and spiritual well-being is not.”

“A person cannot help others without first addressing their own narcissism”

Prof. Tarhan emphasized the importance of self-awareness and referred to emotional intelligence studies and stated that “The first step in developing emotional intelligence is self-awareness. The second is self-regulation. The third is social awareness, or the ability to empathize. Then comes relationship management. Without self-awareness, one cannot form healthy relationships. This is a core concept. A person cannot help others without first healing their own narcissism. Therapy must begin with onesel, and only then can one help others. This is a foundational rule in psychiatry. Being at peace with oneself is crucial for preventive mental health. It is also important for staying physically healthy. Positive psychology is concerned with this. The first major gathering in this field was held in 2009. Harvard added Positive Psychology as a course in 2015, Yale in 2018, and the University of Brussels in 2019. At Üsküdar University, we introduced it in 2013…”

“Ancient Anatolian wisdom says, ‘Start with yourself if you want to fix the world’”

Emphasizing the importance of disciplining the envy within oneself, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that “A leader who is not at peace with themselves tends to blame external factors when a problem arises. They blame and judge others, projecting their inner conflict outward and causing harm to those around them. Ancient Anatolian wisdom teaches us: ‘Start with yourself if you want to fix the world.’ You cannot fix others without first correcting yourself.
There’s a story about a man who lectured his child for three hours about the virtues of speaking less. The child replied, ‘Dad, you have been talking for hours about saying less, and you haven’t even mastered it yourself.’ In short, we must begin with ourselves. Many people, with good intentions, try to correct others through lectures or conferences, but the first thing we must tame is our own inner envy. Our inner world is not only composed of goodness; negativity exists there too. We all carry a “dark part” within us, that is, a selfish, insatiable, greedy part. It's like a cancer cell: unquenchable, irresponsible, and limitless. It consumes most of the oxygen and glucose entering the body. It doesn’t care if the body dies, and it just keeps growing, invading neighboring tissues. The solution is to strengthen our immune system. Just as the physical immune system controls harmful cells or bacteria, we need to strengthen our internal psychological immunity. We must nourish our inner positive self to regulate the darker part. This is what we call the method of positive transformation.”

“In moments of anger, act like a firefighter”

Speaking about how to manage anger, Tarhan said that “In moments of anger, one should behave like a firefighter. When a fire breaks out, firefighters don’t question its cause immediately, and they first extinguish and cool it down. Only after the fire is under control do they investigate the cause and take precautions to prevent future incidents. Similarly, in a moment of anger, we must first shift our focus. Thinking ‘Why did this happen to me?’ or ‘Why was I wronged?’ only fuels the fire. These questions should be asked only after the anger subsides. Then we can reflect: ‘What principle of mine was violated?’ or ‘Why did this make me so upset?’ That’s how we grow. Trying to think logically while angry is like trying to walk on a broken leg, and it causes more harm. We may do things we regret. So first, calm down. Once we’re composed, we can understand why we felt that way. Anger is a human emotion. What matters is learning how to manage it properly.”

“Do not let others’ negative emotions infect you”

Discussing self-perception, Tarhan continued his remarks as follows: “Everyone has a certain level of self-concept and a personal sense of self-worth. Ideally, one’s level of self-respect should be in harmony with their true self-perception. Some people are egocentric. Their self-respect exceeds their actual self-worth. They see themselves as more important than they are and constantly seek external validation. They want others to praise them and strive to dominate relationships in order to maintain their self-esteem. But this is false confidence. These people act self-assured, but they are not at peace with themselves. The opposite can also occur, and people may perceive themselves as worthless or useless. They complain, cry, and constantly seek attention and support. They too are not at peace with themselves.
When dealing with people at either extreme, it’s important to be mindful. Especially, do not let their negative emotions contaminate you, because emotions are contagious. They can make you angry, upset you, and that’s when you fall into their trap. Because they try to control you through your anger.”

“Goal-oriented patience is the foundation of psychological resilience”

Emphasizing the importance of perseverance and determination when moving toward a goal, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan explained: “In psychological resilience training, patience is categorized as negative or positive. Negative patience refers to enduring hardships such as illness or misfortune that is showing resistance to unfavorable situations. Positive patience, on the other hand, involves enduring difficulties after setting a goal, until that goal is achieved. A person says, ‘I must endure these hardships to reach my goal.’ This endurance is not passive waiting. It means being patient while signaling to those you live with that you do not approve of their mistakes. Patience isn’t just stepping aside and waiting in silence, and it is actually adapting to the rhythm and pace of nature. It means knowing when to speed up, when to slow down, and maintaining this balance. That’s why active patience matters. Such goal-oriented patience is the foundation of psychological resilience. This skill is also known as ‘grit.’ In our culture, grit is a well-known and beloved concept. In fact, ‘Yılmaz’, which means relentless or unyielding, is a common name in Anatolia. These people are determined and persistent. Without a goal, patience is mere endurance. But if you’re doing it for your children or your family, then that patience has meaning and value. It is also important to be able to say, ‘I’m being patient, but I don’t approve.’ This kind of goodness is considered a form of charity. In environments where people show kindness to one another, negativity naturally decreases. Many workplace or societal tensions today are actually preventable. When negativity in an environment is turned into positivity, many problems resolve on their own. Our Anatolian culture is incredibly strong—it carries deep wisdom and virtue in overcoming hardship. These values need to be revived.”

“Adolescence is a transitional phase”

Answering audience questions, Tarhan addressed the importance of communication during adolescence: “Adolescence is a transitional phase. During this period, children often see themselves as the center of the universe. They feel like everything revolves around them. This is normal. A child first directs love toward themselves and wants everything, and cries if they don’t get it. Later, this love extends to their mother, then to siblings, toys, father, family, and eventually to their country, humanity, and even their Creator. As love is redirected properly, childhood narcissism fades and becomes balanced. There are two key developmental stages: ages 0–3, and adolescence. The first is like springtime when brain cells multiply rapidly. If a child is raised in a secure and loving environment during this time, a solid personality foundation is formed. The second growth phase is adolescence. During this stage, the child begins to ask big questions: ‘Who am I?’ ‘Where do I belong?’ ‘What do I want to do?’ They search for identity and start to question themselves from every angle. A sense of autonomy develops and they start to say, ‘I exist too.’ What adolescents need most is to be taken seriously and to feel they are growing up. The brain is still developing and interacting with family and the outside world to shape their identity. If they feel valued, they can manage their emotions better. For example, instead of using “you” language, use “I” statements. Saying ‘Why did you do that?’ or ‘That doesn’t suit you’ is accusatory. Instead, saying, ‘If it were me, I would do this,’ or ‘In your place, I’d wear that,’ is much more constructive. This isn’t about sitting a child down and saying, ‘I’m going to fix you,’ which is about walking beside them.”

“Self -confidence is a sign of a solid personality”

Explaining the difference between self-confidence and vanity, Tarhan said: “People often confuse self-confidence with self-admiration, but there’s a significant difference. Self-admiration means being overly proud of oneself—like someone asking their mirror, ‘Is there anyone more beautiful than me?’ These individuals appear confident on the outside, but inside, they often carry a deep sense of inadequacy. In personality, we try to compensate for what’s missing. That’s why such individuals rely on praise to feel whole. Without appreciation and approval, they feel incomplete. If they lack real self-confidence, they try to fill the gap with external validation. True self-confidence, however, doesn’t depend on others’ approval. A genuinely confident person feels sufficient as they are. Someone who is self-admiring always seeks praise and applause, and when that’s missing, they feel low. People with self-confidence are not afraid of solitude, and in fact, they may even choose it, thinking, ‘I’m fine on my own.’ But self-admiring individuals always want to be the center of attention. They fear being ordinary. That’s why they’re also afraid of making mistakes. When they do, it can lead to emotional collapse or even deep depression. A self-confident person can find peace whether in prison or in a palace. That is authentic happiness, which is pure, heartfelt, and lasting. We mustn’t confuse self-confidence with self-admiration. Self-confidence is a sign of a well-grounded personality. Self-admiration, on the other hand, is fragile and dependent on external validation.”

At the end of the session, flowers were presented to Prof. Nevzat Tarhan.

Tarhan , then, signed books for his readers.

 

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)