Attention! You can become a drone mom…

Pointing out the importance of preparing children for life, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan warns against drone parenting, which is overprotective and intrusive! Tarhan expressed that "Due to overprotection and control, the child's decision-making and problem-solving skills do not develop. Children always waiting for someone to come and help them. However, there are realities of life and parents cannot be with them for life."

Noting that when a child who is not prepared for life is raised, an individual who does not have the strength to fight against the difficulties of life emerges, Prof. Tarhan stated that "It entered the literature after it was proven that excessive protection and control harmed the child as much as emotional abuse."

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan discussed the issue of helicopter parenting.

Being protective over your children is understood as becoming them

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that taking care of children is understood as replacing children and as a result of this, it entered the literature as "helicopter parenting" and said that "This situation is also called 'occupying parents'. While examining childhood traumas, we investigate the causes of psychiatric illnesses in advanced ages. In the last 10 years, an overprotection and intervention clause has been added to childhood traumas. This situation, which existed before, has become widespread recently, and when negative results emerged full of evidence, item 6 was added to a scale called CTQ (Childhood Trauma Questionnaires). This scale used to consist of 5 items; however, when extreme protection and intervention were added, the scoring system was also changed. Validity and reliability studies have been carried out in Türkiye and it has started to be used."

Emotional abuse destroys the feeling that the child lives in a safe world

Prof. Tarhan stated that the items of this scale are physical abuse, physical neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, emotional neglect and overprotection, and emphasized that emotional abuse destroys the feeling that the child lives in a safe world and that such behaviors develop the sense of not trusting anyone in children.

Stating that scaring the child, making threats such as "I will burn you" or "I will kill you" or saying, "If you do not do this, I will not love you" fall within the scope of emotional abuse, Prof. Tarhan expressed that "Here you are using love for the child like a stick. In the same way, you use fear like a stick. These behaviors create the thought that 'life is unreliable and frightening' in the child's developing world and soul, causing the child to develop a sense of not trusting anyone. This is emotional abuse. This is leaving the child without love. Taking care of t children's basic needs and putting a tablet in their hand and leaving them alone all day also falls within the scope of emotional neglect. Although you are meeting their physical needs, you are not meeting the emotional needs of the child. This causes the child to feel very lonely and unhappy. It is seen that many diseases are caused by this reason."

Occupying parents interfere with the child more than is needed

Stating that being overprotective and intrusive reflects the typical helicopter and drone parenting style, Prof. Tarhan said that "In this model, which we call the occupying parenting style, parents show excessive interest in their children. They interfere with all areas of development of the child more than needed and make decisions for the children. They try to solve all kinds of difficulties and problems for them, without allowing children to have the ability to make decisions on their own. As a result, children cannot develop problem-solving skills and gain decision-making skills. These children become more prone to addiction, low self-confidence and risk-free individuals in older ages. They take a passive stance and live in learned helplessness, acting with herd psychology. When the mother or father does everything for their child, children think in their own little world as, 'So, I am incompetent, I cannot do it, so they are doing it for me.' This causes children to let go on their own."

Overprotection and control harm the child

Pointing out the importance of preparing children for life, Prof. Tarhan continued his remarks as follows:

"For example, a child enters adolescence, reaches the age of 20-30, weighs 130 kilos, becomes a lazy, unmotivated individual who does not do any work. At that point, we ask, 'We gave this child love for two, we provided everything, and we did everything, so why did this happen?' We see that due to overprotection and control, the child's decision-making and problem-solving skills are not developed. They are always waiting for someone to come and help them. However, there are realities of life, and parents cannot be by their side for life. In other words, motherhood and fatherhood in such a situation is not to make children happy or cheerful at that moment, but to prepare them for life. When a child who is not prepared for life is raised, an individual emerges who does not have the strength to fight in the face of life's difficulties. This overprotection and control were written about in the literature after it was proven that it was just as damaging to the child as emotional abuse."

It is also not right to leave the child completely alone

Stating that parents who are helicopter parents also try too hard and have high expectations for their children's success, Prof. Tarhan said that "For example, when the child gets 97 from the exam, they ask, 'Why did not you get 100?' The mother also acts as a shield for the child. However, the important thing here is to find the balance. It is not right to leave the child completely alone, nor is it right to interfere with everything. Decision-making on behalf of the child is particularly harmful. I illustrate this situation as follows: There is a captain and a pilot captain on ships passing through the Bosphorus. The captain drives the ship, the pilot guides the ship, one does not operate the ship. However, some mothers always take the helm and do everything themselves instead of the child, saying, 'You get out, you cannot do it'. When this happens, mental abilities such as decision-making, problem-solving, and psychosocial skills do not develop because the child cannot do trial and error."

These parents reach an obsessive level when it comes to taking care of their children

Pointing out that these parents have reached an obsessive level in taking care of their children, Prof. Tarhan said that "They see this as normal. For example, I know a father who took his child out in a carriage and took them for a ride. The mother is looking from the balcony and watching. While the father is walking the child, he suddenly takes off his jacket and covers it over the child. When they got home, the mother asked, 'Why did you do that?' The father said, 'A helicopter passed overhead, I covered it because the wind would make you sick.' This father is overprotective, and he sees this behavior as normal, and he has even formed his own rationale.".

Such parents consider themselves perfect

Noting that there are two important reasons for helicopter parenting, Prof. Tarhan continued his remarks as follows:

"First, these types of parents consider themselves perfect. I am perfect, and my child should be perfect.' However, no one is perfect enough to control everything. No one is perfect enough to fully shape their child's soul. There are things that are capable of human power, and there are things that are not enough. There are things one can control, and there are things one cannot. These people have a very high sense of control. They want to control everything. In psychiatry, this is called the 'God Complex', i.e. stealing a role from God. They see themselves as God on earth, they think they are so perfect. With good intentions, they want to raise their children perfectly. This is how they raise the child by saying, 'I am perfect, and my child should be perfect'. This style is a bit of narcissistic parenting. Perfectionism and narcissism coexist in these people."

If the child has a sense of freedom, then wars with parents begin

Stating that the second reason is that these people act out of fear, Prof. Tarhan said that "These people act with their fears. Their lives are governed not by facts, but by fears. Like, 'Do not go there, you will get sick,' 'Do not touch that, you will get hurt,' or 'If you do that, you will succeed, if you do not, you will fail.' They are always focused on success or health. In whatever area they are sensitive and sensitive, they develop fears in that area. Many children surrender and become lazy in this situation. If the child has a sense of freedom, then wars with parents begin. Such as running away from home, drug use... It may even develop a reverse identity; For example, if the parents are masculine, the child becomes feminine. By changing gender, that child takes revenge on their parents as a transgender person. Children of such overly intrusive parents often react in this way. These parents control everything and constantly give advice. Every morning breakfast is like a conference. Every encounter is a life lesson. Children remember the lesson when they see their mother. These mothers are like teachers. By suppressing the child's personality, they develop a parenting style that obsessively tries to maintain docile behavior. In the future, the rate of depression in these children is also very high."

Parents who are narcissistic do not change!

Pointing out that in our society, there are generally discourses such as "he became a man when he went to the military" or "he became a man when he went to boarding school", Tarhan said that "Because when children move away from their parents, they learn to take control of their own life. When they return from there, they begin to govern themselves, and their parents, if they are mature, accept this situation. However, parents who are narcissistic do not change. They go so far as to even disown their child. There are also such extreme cases. However, some parents back down when they see that the child is happy. In such cases, expert help is required.”

Parents need to give the child the opportunity

Referring to the issue of positive parenting, Prof. Tarhan made the following remarks:

"When such parents come to us, we first ask, Why does this mother or father always focus on the negative aspects of the child? They see not 90 good aspects of the child, but one mistake and tries to correct it. The aim of positive parenting is to see the positive aspects of the child and to support the child through these aspects. When you reinforce the positive instead of correcting the negative, the child's character and personality traits are largely good. Parents need to give the child the opportunity. The child can recognize life and make some mistakes. However, if they do not feel safe at home, when they think that they will be constantly criticized and called names, they cannot find peace at home. If the parents do positive parenting, when children come home, they see their home as a refuge and feels peace. No matter what mistake they make outside, they come back home and it is important that they are happy at home. However, this does not mean saying 'yes' to everything a child says. Parents should say: 'My daughter/son, I do not think in the same way as you do. That is true, but if you do, you will suffer the consequences. My job is to warn you.' This type of approach is especially important when the child enters puberty. Before puberty, parents should say 'no' with their reasons. They should not impose it by simply saying, 'I am a mother, whatever I say is true.' When one says 'yes' or 'no' with their reasons, children learn about life. Even if they are angry at that moment, they may say in the future, 'You did this well for my own good.' Motherhood and fatherhood actually mean being a guide, a companion on the path of life. Not to replace the child. Helicopter mothers, on the other hand, take the place of the child. They have good intentions, they love their children, even too much. However, like the extreme, it has negative consequences for children."

Motherhood and fatherhood are not an innate talent

Stating that these children generally act more consciously while raising their own children in the future if they have the opportunity to improve themselves, Prof. Tarhan said that "They see the mistakes of their own parents and try not to make the same mistakes. However, some, on the contrary, do not care about their children at all, saying, ‘My parents did this to me.’ This is also a reverse approach. Therefore, today it is necessary to invest in parenting roles such as motherhood and fatherhood. Motherhood and fatherhood are not an innate ability. It is not genetic. Motherhood may be genetic in emotion and inclination, but the practices of motherhood and fatherhood are learned. They are cultural. Motherhood and fatherhood may be biological, but it is important not only to raise the child in the womb, but also in the heart. It is necessary to guide the child on the path of life. In life, too, children must take the wheel of their own life. However, when the mother does not give the opportunity, children cannot steer the ship of life. We will give them the opportunity, but we will guide them. Children learn to use the ship of life, knowing that if they make a mistake, their mother and father are with them. They need guidance as they steer the wheel of life, but this guidance should give them the opportunity to act independently."

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)