The two biggest viruses of social life: 'Lie and Haram'

President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan met with his readers at the Sultanbeyli Book Fair, which was held for the 8th time this year. Tarhan gave an interview under the title of "Psychology Talks" and signed his books for his readers. Talking about the corrosive effect of the concepts of lies and haram in relations in social life, Tarhan stated that these two words are the two biggest viruses of social life. Mentioning that the norms that protect the society should be protected at this time, Tarhan underlined that the protection of the social society has weakened. Tarhan emphasized that this is a time when both the good and evil multiply.

At the 8th Sultanbeyli Book Fair held in Sultanbeyli City Square between September 21-29, 150 authors from 80 leading publishing houses and brands of Türkiye met with readers.

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, who met with book lovers at the fair, first held a conversation on "Psychology Talks" moderated by Journalist Şaban Özdemir.

"This is a time when both good and evil multiply..."

In the program, which was also attended by Sultanbeyli Mayor Ali Tombaş and deputy mayors, Tarhan said that if people can sustain themselves at this time, they can be stronger than in other ages. Tarhan stated that "This is a time when both good and evil multiply. It is very difficult to maintain and develop human psychology in such a stormy time. It is easy to swim in the still sea, but it is difficult to swim in the stormy sea. When you learn, you become a good swimmer. This is such a difficult time at this time. At this time, if people can sustain themselves, maintain their direction, and turn to the right goals, we can be stronger and more developed people than in other ages. Therefore, these times certainly have threats and challenges, but they also have opportunities and advantages. If we focus on the constant threat, we will be in a constant state of tension. If we focus only on the positive aspect, we will make mistakes, and we will fall over. We will know the positive and the negative; however, we will move forward by thinking about the positive. If that happens, we can be at peace. We will improve ourselves better. Saying 'we are in bad times' and not trusting anyone also makes people lonely and keeps them in constant tension. We are in a time when there are many good and bad..."

"The protection of the social community has weakened"

In the interview, which attracted great interest from the readers, Tarhan drew attention to the fact that the norms that protect the society must be protected at this time and emphasized that social assistance was also disrupted at this time. Tarhan stated that "In the past, there were extended families. When young people had a problem after marriage, they could go to their elders and ask. The community was a more supportive society. There was a lodge in every neighborhood, they would go to them and ask them. The social aid that was supposed to help at this time was also disrupted. The protectiveness of the social community has weakened. What happened when the protectiveness of society weakened? It was the outer fortress: the community was the fortress. It was protecting our family, and it was protecting the youth. This fortress was destroyed. There are legal norms that protect a society, and it is compliance with laws and rules. There are social norms, traditions and customs. The third one is conscience. These three need to be protected.”

"Lies and haram are the two biggest viruses of social life"

Answering questions from readers, Tarhan talked about the corrosive effect of the concepts of lies and haram in relations in social life. Tarhan expressed that “The most important need of human beings in sincere relationships and experiences is the need for security. It is very important that the house is like a shelter, a place of trust. We used to call marriage a home of love; however, it has been understood that marriage is a home of trust in recent years. Love is a method, but the goal is to be the safe space of the home. The person feels safe at home, and one’s home is like a shelter. There is already a verse that says, 'We have created you so that you can give peace so that you can make each other feel safe.' In other words, the feeling of trust is the biggest goal. A typical example of these close relationships is the family. Of course, in every marriage, there is love first, but 'Love + Honest Cooperation = Lifelong Love' emerges. In other words, trust does not occur unless there is healthy, honest cooperation. If there is a lie and haram, that relationship does not get better. In other words, these two words are the two biggest viruses of social life. This virus is a social virus, a lie and haram. When a person is infected with these two viruses, they quickly decay morally.”

A sense of compassion and compassion...

Talking about the effects of lack of compassion and compassion, Tarhan said that "The Prophet Muhammad says, 'In the End Times, your children will be targeted by Satan.' Someone asks, 'How do we know, O Allah's Apostle?' The Prophet Muhammad says, ‘You will understand it from two things, the first is the lack of modesty, and the second is the lack of compassion.’ A sense of modesty is a feeling of shame. When the sense of shame weakens, people become selfish and do not think about someone else's rights and laws. The second is the weakening of the sense of compassion. The weakening of the sense of compassion leads to an increase in cruelty, and an increase in the number of people who say that it is only my right for if it serves to my interest. Therefore, there will come a time when these two will be diminished. Lying, the sense of shame and the sense of compassion will decrease. Thus, the solution to this is to strengthen these two feelings. Love is like water. Respect is like his vessel. So, if you do not have a container of respect, you cannot hold love, you can't control it. Respect is knowing where to stand. There is a greater part of love, in which there is love that is not expected in return, love that is unrequited, which is compassion. Greater than respect is the need not to hurt what you respect, which is kindness. We will first make these feelings in our own inner world. We will build our own inner world."

"We are our own leaders first"

Drawing attention to the concept of leadership, Tarhan said that parents should manage leadership by establishing a horizontal coalition at home. Tarhan stated that "Everyone is a leader. We are our own leaders first. We manage our own desires and impulses. We manage the chemistry of our own brains. We will be our leaders first. After that, we will be the leader of the family and the leader of our children. At home, there will be joint leadership of parents. There will be a co-presidential system. Men and women will be joint leaders and they will act together. Parents will form a horizontal coalition. When there is a problem in that coalition, if the parents use a common language, the children immediately sleep, but if the mother says one thing and the father says other thing, children listen what works for them. Or sometimes the mother favors a child, and the father favors another child. It is a vertical coalition. There is no peace at home because there is polarization. If one says A, the other says B. In such a case, the intention and purpose of revealing the truth disappears.”

"An invisible hand helps a person who does not forget goodness to be just"

Stating that it is necessary not to forget goodness to be fair, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that the biggest role of the state is to ensure justice. Tarhan stated that "Justice is like a spider's web, weak flies get stuck, strong flies pierce through. Where there is no justice, there is no trust. Where there is no trust, there is no peace. The duty of the state is to ensure justice. It is not easy for people to always move forward by making fair decisions, but it is necessary to intend and aim for this. If so, an unseen hand helps. An invisible hand helps a person who does not forget goodness to be just. One does not give an opportunity to injustice, but they will be sincere in it. Therefore, the greatest role of the state is to ensure justice. Where justice flows like a flood, there is peace. Where there is peace, investments increase, the economy improves, and psychiatric diseases in people decrease."

"A person can be happy if he lives right"

One of the topics on Tarhan's agenda was positive psychology. Talking about what needs to be done to think positively, Tarhan said that "A person who sets out with positive thinking can have motivation from a small event. Positive thinking is not Pollyannaism. Pollyannaism is about giving the bite in your mouth. Thus, it is to say yes to everything. If so, you will be very well used. Normal psychology is dealing with pathology, disorders, and trying to reduce the disorder to zero. Positive psychology, on the other hand, works to improve the quality of life of a person who does not have a disease to be happier and healthier. A person can be happy if they live in the right way. It is important to be able to live in at the right way. In fact, 60-70 percent of diseases are related to lifestyle mistakes. When you correct your life habits, eating habits, entertainment habits and social habits, the quality of your life increases."

"They see themselves as special and important, they are fueled with praise..."

On a question, Tarhan also discussed narcissism and pointed out that narcissists play the role of self-confidence to suppress their feelings of inadequacy. Tarhan expressed that "Narcissists appear confident. Some of these people are people who play the right role and behave correctly according to the position. Some of them are because of their internal struggles. Some of them whistle as they pass through the cemetery. You say, 'Look at the man, he is going through the cemetery, but he is whistling, and he is brave.' However, he whistles to suppress the fear inside him. This shows what kind of the self-esteem narcissists have. They play the role of self-confidence to suppress their feelings of oppression and inadequacy in their inner world. Such people have a high sense of arrogance. They see themselves as special and important, they are fueled with praise, and they are closed to criticism. When you criticize, they accuse you of treason. A person cannot be a narcissist if they are open to criticism."

"They say 'yes' to everything so that they do not lose the person they love"

Talking about the relationship between not being able to say no and the fear of losing, Tarhan stated that "There are some people who cannot say no. In other words, when they say no, they see themselves as being excluded. These people are always able to maintain their sense of belonging by making sacrifices. Therefore, one does not want to lose a marriage by always saying yes. They say yes to everything one says so as not to lose the person they love. And they say yes to the wrong. This is the biggest reason for divorces after the age of 50. We will have norms. There will be moral norms, social norms, conscientious norms. We need to say yes or no in accordance with these norms."

"The best way to combat darkness is to light a candle"

Tarhan gave information about the good and bad parts in people and made the following remarks: "Let's tame the wild horse in us. In psychology, this is called the bad part. There are good parts and bad parts in us. The name of the bad part is nefarious. If we train the bad part, the good part will come out on its own. If the bad part is like darkness, the good part is like light. For this reason, as the good part grows, the bad part shrinks. As we do good and beautiful things, evil and darkness diminish by themselves. The best way to combat the darkness is to light a candle. The best way to combat the cold is to light a fire. Therefore, instead of complaining, it is necessary to focus on the positive and fight against the negative."

Readers formed a long queue for autographs...

After the interview, Tarhan signed his books for his readers.

The readers, who formed long queues for Tarhan, also had the opportunity to chat and take photos with Tarhan with book signings.

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)